Spring has sprung in the University of Washington, which means that it’s going to start raining only six out of the seven days of the week, as opposed to eight. But with the oncoming of clearer skies and sunnier days, so does the onslaught of—you know them, you love them—tourists.

Tourism on campus, especially during in-class sessions, have always been a polarizing issue within the university community. On one hand, tourism is great publicity, bringing in prospective students, extra funds for the school through parking fees, and helping businesses on the Ave or UVillage. On the other hand, they’re really fucking annoying.

“Tell me why I’m seeing toddlers running around Kane at 8:30 in the morning on a Monday,” says second-year student Jamie McGill, “Dumbass kids don’t even know linear algebra. Take a Math 208 midterm first, pass it, then come back. Shit.” 

These sentiments have only been exacerbated with the blooming of the cherry blossoms and the subsequent influx of tourists, ranging from local families to international travelers, each and every one of them motivated by the prospect of flexing their pictures on Facebook/WeChat/Kik so that their followers can play a game of Where’s Waldo. 

The aftermath of the initial wave on Sunday left the Quad essentially desecrated, with large patches of grass missing, a few branches bending unnaturally on the trees, and maybe a vibrator or two left in the bushes that were found days later thanks to their remarkable ability to blend in with the flowers. Despite these downsides, there are still a substantial number of students expressing their support for continued, unmoderated tourism on campus.

“Konnichiwa,” greets Garrett “Akira-sama” Smith, a fourth-year student studying Japanese and current president of the Anime Discovery Project, “that means ‘hello’ in Japanese, in case you didn’t know. The blossoming of sakura is a very auspicious time for new students to consider undergoing the tutelage of our numerous University sensei. When I first visited, I found myself enraptured by not only the trees, but the amount of Asians there as well. I thought they only existed in anime. As a gracious host and president of one of the most respectable clubs in UW, I would never deprive future students of experiencing this magical epiphany during the most magical time of the year. Sayonara! That means ‘goodbye,’ by the way.” 

Smith declined to comment further when asked about his family lineage. 

Despite tourism still being a topic of great interest and debate, there has been, remarkably, no practical solutions yet. As this issue seemed to mainly concern the university’s natural spaces, our representatives from Off Leash News turned to the Biology Department for some advice. Dr. Fannystein, recently paroled and reinstated as an instructor for BIOL 103, answered the call almost immediately.

“In evolutionary biology, organisms interact with each other in a variety of ways,” Fannystein explains while offering our representative an organic toilet-grown blunt, “in the case of tourists interacting with the cherry blossoms, we use the term ‘parasitism’ to describe it. We need to find a way to turn that into a ‘mutualistic relationship’, where both parties stand to gain something from each other.

“I propose that, as a trade-off, the tourists with the worst photo-taking abilities will be sacrificed and used as fertilizer for the cherry blossoms. The cherry blossoms will have a reliable source of nutrients, while the allele frequency for bad picture-taking amongst the tourists will decrease, increasing the overall fitness of the tourist species. As this cycle continues, both students and surviving tourists will be able to enjoy healthier blossoms,” she concludes. “Now get the fuck out of my office. Mama’s gonna hotbox this bitch.”

A few other instructors also proposed their own solutions. Professor Virgie N. Coque from the Paul G. Allen School of Computer Science and Engineering offered to provide the tourists with VR headsets showcasing the blossoms while they sat in the basement of Meany Hall, while Dr. Bill Ding from the Architecture Department suggested just cutting down all the trees and planting a Walmart there instead.

Whatever the case is, rest assured that students will have to wait at least four business years before UW administration decides to do something about it. In the meantime, feel free to make tourists feel really special by barking, peeing on the corners of buildings, and/or asking to play fetch.