UW College Republicans Gather in Red Square Awaiting Return of George Washington

G.J.

While news headlines recently were dominated by word of QAnon crusaders flocking to Dallas, TX to witness the second coming of Our Lord and Savior John F. Kennedy Jr., the University District has been just as shocked by the congregation of the same group to our beloved campus in hopes of another notable presidential return. 

In an attempt to understand the inspiration behind their caravaning to the PNW, we sent war correspondent and The Daily, Weekly poster child Jake Bentley (‘22, he/him, blond, of average height, majoring in political science) to the scene. 

He approached what looked to be a group of Western chauvinists who started yelling that they were “proud to be boys” and “had no business speaking to a blonde c*** lady probably majoring in education or home economics.” Jake was able to engage instead with UW College Republicans President, Ford Runafter, who made clear, “George Washington didn’t own slaves. They wanted to work and be beaten by his estate, and they were freed when he died. At least he wasn’t a communist.”

The group waited through the night, holding a candlelit vigil for the afamed “QAnon Shaman” sentenced to years in prison while awaiting Washington. They only began to disperse when 6 of their members slipped on the Red Square brick, four of whom ended up at UW Medical. All of them refused treatment “from goddamned vaccinated medical folk.” 

In response to this initial congregation, other groups took action. Most notably, the Collective Improv Troupe gathered in Parnassus, holding a 24-hour “Improvathon” to summon alumnus Rainn Wilson’s career from the dead. 

Neither George Washington nor Rainn Wilson have returned. More to come as the story develops.