Good News for UW Sex Havers: Sexy Dining Now Available

December 07, 2022 by Julia D.

Center Table, the North Campus dining location renowned for its “food,” is unveiling a new, sexier dining option. Soon, that annoying couple who always takes up an entire dorm lounge to cuddle and watch movies on their computer will be able to move date night to one of the finest establishments in the Pacific Northwest, possibly even the North. And you, dear reader, can feel even lonelier while you eat the saddest chicken sammie seen since 1987.

Report: Sound Transit Policy not Allowing Riders to Play on Tracks “Total Buzzkill”

December 01, 2022 by C.B.

In a controversial move this week, Sound Transit announced that it will continue its policy of not allowing riders to run out onto the light rail tracks real quick. The agency confirmed that the rule does not allow exceptions, even if passengers promise that they are just going to jump down real fast and then go right back up.

Heartbreaking: 1 out of 6 Couples Break Up at First Thanksgiving

November 29, 2022 by S.H

As the Thanksgiving season passes yet again, students in committed relationships are distraught about their first Thanksgiving with their partners. Observing this common stress, psychology professor Dr. Ophelia Patel saw an opportunity to team up with sociology professor Dr. Halle O’Weiner to observe the effect this great American tradition has on young love, publishing their studies this Sunday.

UW Professor Pinky Promises Class Isn't Graded Competitively

November 17, 2022 by Blake J.

Earlier this morning, BIOL 180 professor Dr. Lisa Garland reassured her students via canvas message that her class was not graded competitively. Dr. Garland stated in her email, “The teaching staff and I want to remind everyone that this is a cooperative learning environment and that everyone can do well in this class. It’s just that only the top .05% of the class will get a 4.0 and the rest of you will have to fight for scraps.”

UW Freshman Worries US History Major Might be Too Much of a Bummer

November 15, 2022 by T. L.

Tim O’Brian, a UW freshman, is starting to worry about his options as he begins to search for a major. Enrolled in HSTAA 150 ½ American History for People who got a 2 on the APUSH Exam, O’Brian has been surprised at the darker parts of US history of which he was previously unaware.

“Don’t Even Think About It” - Odegaard Places Sexual Health Vending Machine by Study Pods

November 10, 2022 by C.C.

UW recently debuted a new reproductive health vending machine in the basement of Odegaard Undergraduate Library. The machine contains pregnancy tests, generic-brand emergency contraception, ibuprofen, and Benadryl, providing students with accessible sexual healthcare while begging the questions: do I take ibuprofen before or after I finish? And, is the Benadryl for me or the baby?

Students Realize Their Peers Are Ugly

November 09, 2022 by Isaac B.

As UW students pass the halfway mark of their first super dooper schmooper normal quarter, many have made a startling and quite frankly disturbing discovery. Daniel Wright, a junior who has spent his entire time at UW making faces and talking to himself under the cover of an N-95, is just now adjusting to the trials and tribulations of an unmasked existence. He says the most jarring part of this new phase of his education is the sharp decline in the perceived attractiveness of his peers. When asked to elaborate, Wright said, “Everyone’s mouths are just so weird, like the bottom half of everyone’s face is way bigger than I was expecting it to be. Everyone’s just butt ugly.” Daniel Wright is now left hopelessly adrift, with no soft warm fantasy to guide him through the brutish hell of earning a marketing degree.

Seattle Redistricting Commission Announces New Land Acknowledgement Amid Controversy

November 08, 2022 by J.L.

After the Seattle Redistricting Commission’s controversial plan to split the U-District from UW was rejected, the commission responded in a last ditch effort to regain the support of citizens.

When initially proposed, the commission had received numerous complaints about the plan and had been accused of gerrymandering. The commission has since backpedaled and announced that they “aim to manipulate the districts in the most inclusive way possible.” The official statement was issued this weekend, via an email titled “Gerrymander!? I hardly know her”

UW to Unveil New Majors for Rich Students

November 03, 2022 by Julia D.

It’s true: UW is indeed unveiling two new majors. After reports students were fatigued and struggling with “analyzing texts” or “doing basic fucking math,” administration decided to take action. Designed for students with rich parents and a job lined up after graduation, the Numbers and Alphabet majors will be available in the College of Arts & Sciences beginning Autumn 2023.

Breaking: Nonviolent Crime on the Ave

November 01, 2022 by J.L.

This past weekend, the UW community was shaken after a recent crime on the Ave: Josh Kline, a student at UW, was caught shoplifting at Target. This disgusting crime caught the attention of the larger community and several local papers, being the only instance of nonviolent crime in the U-District in the past year.

Boarded-Off Storage Closet in Padelford Hall Bearing the Seven Seals of the Apocalypse to be Opened This Winter Solstice

October 27, 2022 by L.P.T.

This past Tuesday, a graduate student working in the early hours of the morning discovered an old, boarded-off storage closet deep within the eldritch location known to us mortals as Padelford Hall.

UW Administration Facing Backlash after Announcing they will Burn All the Books

October 25, 2022 by D.M.

The University of Washington Administration is facing backlash after they announced they would be burning all the books on the school campus in suspected retaliation for the librarian strike.

Smoking Cigarettes Improves Air Quality

October 21, 2022 by L.H

New data from the University of Washington this week suggests that the smoke currently enveloping Seattle is actually not related to the climate crisis at all. Instead, the data suggests, the decrease in air quality is because Roy Mullivan decided to quit smoking.

Breaking News: Your Classmate is from the Bay Area

October 20, 2022 by Julia D.

Everyone has been there. It’s the first day of class, and you’re tasked with doing ice breakers with the people sitting near you. You go through your names, pronouns, and majors before the fatal question is asked: Where are you from?

Company Seeks to Take the “Health” and “Care” out of “Mental Health Care” on Campus

October 18, 2022 by C.B.

Leda Health made headlines earlier this year by selling its controversially named “MeToo” sexual assault test kits to sororities. Critics argued that in selling the test kits, which are not admissible in court, the company took advantage of victims. Following the public outrage and threats of legal action, Leda Health knew that it had only one option: to do the exact same thing to a different group of people.

University Considers Taking Down Statue After George Washington Sex Tape Leaked

October 13, 2022 by T. L.

The University of Washington is seriously considering taking down its George Washington statue after a vintage sex tape was leaked starring the former President and his 18 year old Tinder date. The tape shocked the millions who have already seen it and although it is far from the sexiest presidential scandal, this one hits UW closest to home.

Top Five Crazy Predictions and Revelations the U-District Light Rail Windows Can Tell You Right Now

October 11, 2022 by Blake J.

The U-District Light Rail Station opened last year, helping improve and expand upon Seattle’s vital public transit system. But the most important feature of the newest light rail station are the ZANY LED WINDOWS that are plastered all over the station for some reason. We decided to compile a list to tell YOU what windows you should be looking at to get the most out of waiting for the next overcrowded train!

Dog Spotted in Quad Almost Dubs, Not Quite

October 06, 2022 by C.C.

Last Thursday, a crowd formed around an animal in the Quad that bore a striking resemblance to the school mascot, Dubs. For a brief moment, students were overjoyed, before realizing that it was actually a different husky entirely.

HFS to Hand Deliver Bitch Slaps to all Residents

October 04, 2022 by J.L.

Housing and Food Services recently announced that their employees will personally be slapping each and every student that resides on-campus or frequents the dining halls. When we approached the president of HFS, Sal Menila, they repeatedly assured us that “[their] employees work tirelessly until every one of those smug bastards got a good slap.”

All UW Graduates “Incredibly Prepared And Not At All Terrified” For The Next Part Of Their Lives

June 11, 2022 by L.E.

As students donned their caps and gowns and entered Husky Stadium to finally conclude their academic journey, a certain smell permeated the air. No, not lake water. Confidence.