Ah, winter. The season where everything dies, Twitter is filled with complaints of seasonal depression, and your classmate reminds you they’re from a colder climate. We here at Off Leash see you, out of state students from frozen wastelands, and we want you to know you’re heard. So you can stop telling everyone that winters are worse in the hell you originated in.
Read MoreUW students organized outside of admin buildings this past weekend to protest the school’s purported failure to deliver on promises made to them. “The Pagliacci in Local Point is still closed even though they said it’d reopen,” one student claimed. “I joined an LLC and it was exactly the same as every other floor in my dorm building,” said another.
Read MoreDear Off Leash, How do I politely show everyone else at this school that I’m smarter than them? I was in the top 20% of my high school graduating class. I got a really good SAT scores. I got off the waitlist really early. I’m obviously the highest IQ big brain in this school of godforsaken Neanderthals, but it seems like no one notices or appreciates my genius.
Read MoreIn lieu of this year’s somewhat successful football season, Coach Füt Bahl has decided to implement changes beyond drafting new, impressionable high schoolers. Bahl stated he hopes to win every football next year, before star player James Vagina graduates and starts playing on the big football field in the sky.
Read MoreIn a recent poll of every single student on campus, it was determined students don’t think there’s enough construction. This comes after years of total silence on campus, a dry spell from UW’s usual desired and timely renovations or new builds.
Read MoreWednesday afternoon, to the surprise and even horror of many UW students, a child was spotted on campus. The child was part of a field trip from a local middle school, meant to encourage youngsters to attend college, but reactions from the college students may have had the opposite effect.
Read MoreThe University of Washington administration announced this past Tuesday an innovative new plan to drive up student attendance to quiz sections: giving all the TAs a badge and a gun. Even the most scholarly UW students skip out on going to quiz sections because “they’re not real classes” and “usually not even for points.”
Read MoreDozens of hip students across campus were appalled to discover the desecrated corpse of Parnassus, killed in cold blood a week ago with a note sadistically pinned to it, suggesting these hepcats visit the District Market. What kind of sick bastard would do such a thing?
Read MoreIn a landmark decision, the ASUW Senate voted to dissolve itself this past Thursday, dealing a massive blow to the UW’s student representation. The vote came in the aftermath of weeks-long gridlock over whether or not to pay librarians more, or instead construct a second Starbucks in the Suzzallo lobby.
Read MoreRecently, US News released its yearly ranking of global universities, which saw UW rise two places from last year, going from eighth to sixth. It’s a great accomplishment for all of our distinguished professors who work so hard to try and help make the world a better place (that’s why they do it right?)
Read MoreWith the holidays around the corner, UW students are scrambling to find inexpensive, original gifts for their friends and family, but worry not! The writers at Off Leash have your back, and have assembled a list of perfect gifts for everyone you know!
Read MoreCenter Table, the North Campus dining location renowned for its “food,” is unveiling a new, sexier dining option. Soon, that annoying couple who always takes up an entire dorm lounge to cuddle and watch movies on their computer will be able to move date night to one of the finest establishments in the Pacific Northwest, possibly even the North. And you, dear reader, can feel even lonelier while you eat the saddest chicken sammie seen since 1987.
Read MoreIn a controversial move this week, Sound Transit announced that it will continue its policy of not allowing riders to run out onto the light rail tracks real quick. The agency confirmed that the rule does not allow exceptions, even if passengers promise that they are just going to jump down real fast and then go right back up.
Read MoreAs the Thanksgiving season passes yet again, students in committed relationships are distraught about their first Thanksgiving with their partners. Observing this common stress, psychology professor Dr. Ophelia Patel saw an opportunity to team up with sociology professor Dr. Halle O’Weiner to observe the effect this great American tradition has on young love, publishing their studies this Sunday.
Read MoreEarlier this morning, BIOL 180 professor Dr. Lisa Garland reassured her students via canvas message that her class was not graded competitively. Dr. Garland stated in her email, “The teaching staff and I want to remind everyone that this is a cooperative learning environment and that everyone can do well in this class. It’s just that only the top .05% of the class will get a 4.0 and the rest of you will have to fight for scraps.”
Read MoreTim O’Brian, a UW freshman, is starting to worry about his options as he begins to search for a major. Enrolled in HSTAA 150 ½ American History for People who got a 2 on the APUSH Exam, O’Brian has been surprised at the darker parts of US history of which he was previously unaware.
Read MoreUW recently debuted a new reproductive health vending machine in the basement of Odegaard Undergraduate Library. The machine contains pregnancy tests, generic-brand emergency contraception, ibuprofen, and Benadryl, providing students with accessible sexual healthcare while begging the questions: do I take ibuprofen before or after I finish? And, is the Benadryl for me or the baby?
Read MoreAs UW students pass the halfway mark of their first super dooper schmooper normal quarter, many have made a startling and quite frankly disturbing discovery. Daniel Wright, a junior who has spent his entire time at UW making faces and talking to himself under the cover of an N-95, is just now adjusting to the trials and tribulations of an unmasked existence. He says the most jarring part of this new phase of his education is the sharp decline in the perceived attractiveness of his peers. When asked to elaborate, Wright said, “Everyone’s mouths are just so weird, like the bottom half of everyone’s face is way bigger than I was expecting it to be. Everyone’s just butt ugly.” Daniel Wright is now left hopelessly adrift, with no soft warm fantasy to guide him through the brutish hell of earning a marketing degree.
Read MoreAfter the Seattle Redistricting Commission’s controversial plan to split the U-District from UW was rejected, the commission responded in a last ditch effort to regain the support of citizens.
When initially proposed, the commission had received numerous complaints about the plan and had been accused of gerrymandering. The commission has since backpedaled and announced that they “aim to manipulate the districts in the most inclusive way possible.” The official statement was issued this weekend, via an email titled “Gerrymander!? I hardly know her”
Read MoreIt’s true: UW is indeed unveiling two new majors. After reports students were fatigued and struggling with “analyzing texts” or “doing basic fucking math,” administration decided to take action. Designed for students with rich parents and a job lined up after graduation, the Numbers and Alphabet majors will be available in the College of Arts & Sciences beginning Autumn 2023.
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