Top 10 Ways I Used Dubs’ Death To Get Out of Online Classes
J.N.
Let’s face it: a beloved mascot dying is nothing to joke about. Dubs was not only a symbol of school pride for many, but a relief from the everyday stresses of undergraduate life.
Like many of you, when Dubs died I was super excited at the possibilities this situation presented. Being in online classes can get so boring and I really don’t want to go to them. So in honor of Dubs I made a list of 10 ways that I have (and you should) use his euthanization as a means to get out of zoom, and be happier because of it.
10. The Dead Pet Scheme
This one is easy. The first thing I did when the news broke, was go to pet smart. I took a photo of one of the cats there and attached it in an email to my psychology professor. I told her that I wouldn’t be able to come to class because both my cat and Dubs died on the same day. I’ve used this method several times, any animal is fair game really. I found that you can get several days off by including details about the dead pet such as age or pregnancy status. Really make a big deal about how sad you are feeling.
9. I Trained Dubs
Another classic. I told my Astronomy professor that I was part of a select group of students who got to train Dubs when he was a puppy. If your professor asks how you could train him if you are a freshman at UW, just say “I don’t want to talk about it :( :( :(“ and they usually won’t press any further.
8. The Other Husky
This one is a bit convoluted but ended up working in the end. I told my professor that I have a Husky that actually was Dubs’ girlfriend and that I needed to be home to help my pup through the grieving process.
7. The Missing Key
Okay hear me out. Tell your professor that Dubs accidentally swallowed the key to your house/apartment/dorm and that you weren't able to get it back before he died. Therefore, you need to be able to attend the funeral so that when no one is looking, you can steal it back. DO NOT EXPLAIN HOW you get the key back in the email.
6. Dubs’ Ghost Hacked Your Email Account
Subject Line: I AM DUBS
Body: “BARK RUFF BARK RUFF RUFF.”
Signed: -DUBS’ GHOST.
This is not only a kick-ass method to get out of an online class, but an even faster way to get out of UW in general. Go Dawgs!
5. Dubs Bit You Once and You Need to Celebrate Justice Being Served.
Add an “Owie” or “ouchie wouchie” in your email for extra points.
4. Jimmy Johns
You are an intern at a veterinarian clinic and your boss was out for the day to go get Jimmy John’s™ for the office but he comes back and the other student intern gets the sandwich you want before you can get to it. So you’re all pissed off and you get back to work and you have to euthanize some dogs now but you’re so distracted by BRETT TAKING YOUR FUCKING TURKEY TOM that you accidentally mix up patients and euthanize a beloved school mascot.
3. Hard Work Pays Off
You work as a part-time gardener at Dubs’ family’s house and accidentally dug up dubs when installing their sprinkler system and you are traumatized.
2. The Poe
You cannot walk on campus without hearing Dubs’ beating heart underneath the bricks, screaming at you, blaming you and telling you your’e a heartless psychopath for using his death in order to skip school you sick fuck you sick fuck you belong under the bricks like me underneath the fucking bricks of red square I was a good boy and you are not you are bad you are an awful man.
1. Just don’t show up for zoom, no one really cares lol
So don’t be sad about Dubs’ death! Celebrate his life. And remember: when a husky dies and you don’t know what to do, just remember there is always Dubs II.