Humanities Department Uses Smith Hall to Prepare Students for Future

K.E.

It is accepted among students and faculty that Smith Hall is much like a day-old banana, pretty on the outside, a post-apocalyptic war zone on the inside. The 10:30 Philosophy 101 quiz section is currently being held atop a loose floorboard suspended over a gaping hole in the floor of Smith 217. There is a rabid raccoon-bat infestation on the third floor. Not raccoons and bats, this is a new species entirely. And yes it has rabies. Multiple classes have moved to zoom due to these monstrosities’ regular turf wars. On the first day of class a professor was inches away from being fatally hit on the head by a falling projector. That last one is not a joke. I, Katherine Lynn Ellis, dropped the projector.

For years, students have been led to believe that this was merely gross negligence mixed with the school’s continual refusal to give the humanities department enough money to buy new pens. However, our very credible sources here at Off Leash News have stated otherwise. According to the head of the Humanities department, this lack of funds is to prepare the future starving artists of America for what they will have to face in the real world.

“We tell these students to do what they love and follow their dreams,” they say “But the truth is most of them will become gloomy alcoholics, living in metropolitan shacks and slowing developing insomnia mixed with a crippling porn addiction,”

They continue by saying that the only other option is to become a humanities professor at the UW, in which case they’ll be right back in Smith Hall.

“We want them to know they’re being punished, so that when we finally extinguish their dreams post-graduation, they are more open to… suggestion if they end up working at the many corporations who call Seattle home,” said a university donor.

I would now like to share a personal anecdote. When I was a freshman, I was given a contract that would allow me to take classes at Paccar with the over-funded finance students. I read it over. Apparently all I had to do to take classes in a place that is not trying to ensnare me like Monster House, is give my kidney and firstborn child to Bill Gates. While was is a tall order, It secured me an unpaid internship as a gladiator in the Shareholder’s Entertainment Room. That internship could lead to a five-figure salary if they find me “professional” enough while I bludgeon my opponents to death with a morning star.

This pipeline devolves of course, if a student becomes remotely famous in any way. Then the university will likely beg them for money and market the shit out of their being an alumnus. Take Bruce Lee for example. He was a philosophy major. He went from dodging falling bricks to dodging flying punches and UW makes sure anyone who goes on one of their tours knows it.