Fall 2021 Deemed “Super Regular Quarter”

C.C.

After six consecutive “extraordinary circumstances” quarters, the Office of the Provost has designated this Fall 2021 quarter as a “regular chill quarter where everything is super normal and fine.” This was announced in an email blast that also mentioned the bomb cyclone warning, a raise in tuition, and the third armed robbery of the week.

To get a sense of where the administration was coming from, we sat down with members of the committee behind this decision. 

We contacted Puget Sound Cryogenics to speak with the recently thawed administrator Charles Gurken, who was cryogenically frozen since September 2015. “The other committee members have not been returning my Slack messages, but everything seems A-OK to me,” he asked on the way out, “Why? Did something happen?”

The only other administrator who was open for conversation was the newly launched AI professor who was recently born out of a Paul G. Allen School capstone project. Their only comment on the matter was “... -.-. .... --- --- .-.. / - .. -- . .-.-.- / -.. .. . / -- .- -..” which roughly translates to “School open. Die mad.”

The administration’s indifference comes as no shock to Jeremy Jenkins, a UW class of 1980 alumni. Jenkins was commuting from Skamania County when Mt. St. Helens erupted on the morning of his bio midterm. He immediately called his professor to explain the situation, but she was apparently unsympathetic, saying he would need to provide proof of the eruption and recommended he take ESS 106: Living with Volcanoes next quarter “to prevent this from happening again.” Spring quarter 1980 was also deemed a “regular chill quarter where everything is super normal and fine”. Jenkins said when he tried to talk to the administration about giving it an extraordinary circumstances designation, all he received was a fax that read “volcano schmolcano” next to a drawing of lava coming out of a dick.