We saw your shitty memes. Your subtweets. Your endless stream of mindless political content. We’ve all been desperately attempting to take the edge off this horrifying world crisis. Little did you know, young one, is that what you’ve needed all along is for your favorite local fake news source to take your mundane existence and turn it into a joke!
Read MoreWith the current lockdown restrictions in Washington state, many businesses have been struggling to continue operations while following proper social distancing procedures. However, the new Seattle-based social media startup, Quaran-time, has the solution: simply hire someone else to stay inside for you!
Read MoreIn a time when college students are so confused and saddened that they can barely summon up the strength to make memes (yeah, things are pretty bad), comedy is more necessary than ever. Fortunately, we have it on good authority that there will soon be a digital release of a COMPLETELY FREE and VERY HIGH-QUALITY quarantine-themed satire magazine. It seems…
Read MoreThis week, Off Leash News sent a reporter to speak with undergraduate advisor Zachary Morrison about the importance of community building for new students. Contorting his face into a pained smile, Morrison explained the importance of joining a FIG. “I would say that all freshman should join a FIG in their first quarter. It helps you meet so many new people, and it’s a great opportunity to make this university feel just a bit smaller.” His smile immediately began to fade, the façade of plastered glee peeling off. This was the first glimpse of the broken man hiding underneath khaki shorts and a ‘Go Dawgs!’ sweatshirt.
Read MoreThough there is no longer a need to cut down firewood to make it through the long northwest nights, the axe is still a staple across Puget Sound households. Fondly remembered by local lumberjacks and murderers alike, the axe is for many the weapon of choice for forestry, self-protection, and collection in and of itself. In a shockingly bold move, Seattle lawmakers voted Sunday to reinforce and strengthen the laws concerning the registration and regulation of axes.
Read MoreThis week, UW Professor Robert Grace was removed from his lecturing position after accidentally showing pornography. He was apparently viewing the material before class and failed to close his tabs as the lecture began. The pornography was displayed as the professor tried to open a separate video on racial discrimination in the US prison system. We interviewed several students to get their thoughts on the matter.
Read MoreThe recent announcement that the humanities division will be laying off many major-specific advisers comes as a terrible blow to humanities students with daddy, mommy, and other assorted issues. Students and faculty members alike struggle to comprehend why the university would choose to cut advisers in a department that is widely known to be full of emotionally dependant and needy young “adults.”
Read MoreHappy Week 6, dawgs!
We are officially halfway through fall quarter, so set your 5:55 AM alarms, and get ready to fight to the death to register for the classes you want. As your go-to source for campus tips and tricks, we wanted to highlight a new UW course that might be of interest to you.
Buckle up folks, because the College of Arts and Sciences finally got enough funding to introduce a course you might like: COM 263, Introduction to Cancel Culture.
Read MoreNew revelations surrounding the University of Washington’s animal testing have revealed groundbreaking justifications surrounding its animal testing trials. The study found that despite violating basic ethics by testing and torturing animals, the UW’s monkeys were some really bad monkeys.
Read MoreIn the wake of the news that the small but mighty Sanskrit department at UW is facing termination, UW administration has decided to slash all foreign language offerings except for Java. Currently, the university offers 45 different foreign languages, from popular choices like French and Spanish to the eccentric Uyghur and Latvian, but following this change, it would offer only one.
Read MoreHere it is: the long-awaited, much-anticipated Off Leash who’s-who endorsement list for these upcoming ASUW elections (that take place from the 9th through 12th of this month). We weren’t planning on voting either, but after extensive research we have decided to compile this list of the most apt and capable candidates to represent students just like you. For any first-time-voters, head over to http://vote.asuw.org and cast your vote.
Read MoreOff Leash News was given the amazing opportunity to sit down with Dodge Sullivan, the president of the UW College Republicans, to discuss the inspiration behind the launch of their brand new campaign “Caucasian Liberation.” The campaign is centered around the reclamation of the W-word.
Read MoreIf you’ve strolled through the quad or walked by the North Campus dorms this quarter, you may have noticed the many construction workers that are helping to make our university more structurally sound. And yeah, let’s face it: they’re fine as hell. Who could possibly ignore their big, work-roughened hands, or the way that those sexy neon vests hug their curves?
Read MoreIn an attempt to promote self-care, the University of Washington administration announced last Tuesday that it will be introducing the newest addition to the UW Health and Wellness team: Kyle the Quad Baby, endearingly referred to as the “Quaby.” Yup, you heard it right here folks, some universities have dog petting to help their students relieve stress, but as stated by Tonya Carson, a therapist with the UW Counseling Center, “that’s some little league shit.”
Read MoreFriends, professors, and ex-girlfriends were surprised by the results of a recent study on student Doug Thompson, but his mother was not.
Last week, UW researchers released data that corroborated Mrs. Thompson’s long-held belief that Doug is “very special” (Wang, et al. xxi). The data shows that Doug “can do anything he sets his mind to” and that over the years, “Doug has really grown into a very handsome young man” (Wang, et al. 13).
“I’m not surprised by the results of the study at all,” Doug’s mom said. “I’ve always said that he’s very talented and has a lot of potential.”
Read MoreHousing and Food Services employees across campus have been reporting an increase in the number of people asking them non food-related questions.
Patrick Howell, student food worker at DUB Street Burgers, located in the HUB, says it’s becoming increasingly more common for visiting parents on campus tours to ask for tips on their child’s admissions process.
“Oh yeah, parents come in all the time looking for advice. I try telling them, ‘you know, I just sell the chicken strips,’ but that really never works,” Patrick explained during his 5-minute break. He added, “Eventually, I just had to make up my own spiel. I’ll say things like, ‘look it's all about a holistic application.’ I’ve even made my own business card”.
Read MoreAmidst a night of mindless headbanging along to shitty live music, smoking on various deteriorating stairwells, and chillin’ by the keg, sources confirmed late Friday that “yes, in fact, that singer in that band at the house show is also in your quiz section.”
Claims that the singer gracing the dirt-covered, makeshift stage of a local U-District backyard was in fact Jack from your Chem 152 quiz section were originally met with skepticism, and later quite a bit of doubt after everything went blurry in the immediate moments following a fat moke. Upon further squinting, however, it was reported that it indeed had to be him.
Read MoreWallingford, Seattle, known for its pricey single family homes and Oprah’s favorite fried chicken establishment, has been added to the CHID study abroad catalogue. Tired of Rome and Sydney, students are ready to explore countries untouched by European influence and give their feet a break from cigarette-littered cobblestones. In addition, transportation to this North Seattle destination will be free with U PASS, making the program significantly cheaper than traveling to Europe, Asia, or South America.
Read MoreBill Gates’ title as the richest PNW resident was challenged late Thursday night as Keaton Grasswood, a junior at the University of Washington, raked in another $4 deposit to his Venmo account. Grasswood, who has spent his fall and winter quarters flipping Dawg Pack student section tickets, has captured stunning returns of $57 for the season.
Read MoreDue to continual budget delays and design disputes, the University of Washington’s Population Health Building, which is currently under construction, is not scheduled to be complete before every human life is extinguished from the earth.
The Population Health Building was once envisioned as a center where community members could access healthcare in the very same facility where world-renowned University of Washington faculty would conduct research into the medical innovations of tomorrow.
Read More