Chick-Fil-A Executives Celebrate Successful Distraction From Pride Month

July 03, 2020 by J.N.

His brow sweating with the persistence of a leaking deep fryer, Chick-Fil-A CEO Dan T. Cathy stood before a group of his fast food empire’s top executives. Gripping the board room table, knuckles whiter than the meat served to customers, his face contorted into the ecstasy of a youth pastor finally losing his virginity. “WE FUCKING DID IT,” he cried. Ripping off his button-down to reveal a Black Lives Matter t-shirt, Cathy and the entire board room began dancing with the skills of decapitated poultry to ear-splitting Christian rock music.

Chick-Fil-A has been a company long acquainted with controversy involving the LGBTQ community. However, the…

We Are the Virus: Burke Museum Mammoth Comes Back to Life, Takes Press Corps Hostage on Live Television

Off Leash Newsroom

May 26, 2020 by Off Leash News

On Wednesday morning, security personnel at the Burke Museum were surprised to find the animated bones of a Columbian mammoth wandering the grounds of the University of Washington. The mammoth, who escaped his exhibit at the museum and introduced himself to campus police officers with a sequence of haunted, elephantine trumpetings, was escorted to City Hall for a press conference.

"It's a novel situation," commented the museum's chief paleontologist Balbus Diggs, who suggested the statewide COVID quarantine's reduction in carbon emissions may have contributed to the resurrection. "We're seeing it all over the world: birds returning to cities, coyotes pissing on fire hydrants. It's really beautiful." When asked whether an interview with the mammoth’s remains might help to shed light on missing links in the evolutionary record, Diggs’s eyes rolled back in his head and he whispered, “Evolution is a hoax,” citing the book of Genesis as evidence while scuttling backward from the room.

Quirky: These Scientists Will Help you Escape Lockdown

Off Leash News Room

May 19, 2020 by J.D.T.

Lockdown orders are lifting around the country, yet many are apprehensive. There are concerns that prematurely unleashing the nose-pickers and palm-lickers of the world will trigger a devastating second wave of political pundit debates. Fortunately, Peter Kelling and Emanuel Franco, the dreamboat computer science duo at the University of Washington, have found a way to end social distancing forever.

“The solution is simple,” explained Franco, “Why spend all of your time inside, worrying about sickness, when you could live your life as a robot? By transferring your conscious self into a state-of-the-art mechanical vessel, you can escape the pandemic and the struggle of social distancing at the same time!”

But to these studly programmers, mechanization is more than just an idea, it is a way of life. With display monitors mounted on wide chrome bodies and claw-like hands that look like they were designed to ruin your arcade birthday party by intentionally dropping that shiny new ipod, the new and improved Kelling and Franco answer the question of what Pixar’s Wall-E would look like if he were designed by Apple Inc.

Hero Spotlight: Mr. Clean Caught On Campus in Skin-Tight Hazmat Suit

Off Leash Newsroom

May 09, 2020 by J.C.

We all know this whole “stay home, stay healthy” thing has been harder for some than others. While many of us are using our last ounces of willpower to not sneak out of the house to lick the sidewalk, we all have those friends who seem to be doing whatever they can to keep that curve rounder than a hot piece of ass. Doesn’t that shit just make you want to punch a hole in your parents’ drywall?

Don’t worry, dawgs. You’re not alone. The UW community is now under the protection of the hero we never knew actually existed: Mr. Clean. Armed with a bleach bucket and a half-empty bottle of Everclear with his own face on it, Mr. Clean has taken it upon himself, a self-proclaimed anarchist, to single handedly stop COVID-19.

Cindy Summer, ‘22, was leaving her dorm on Monday night to pick up her takeout, when a booming voice stopped her from across the quad: “Cindy, where the FUCK is your mask?” Summer was terrified: “He started clumsily running towards me in a sparkling blue hazmat suit with “SUPER CLEAN” handwritten across the front. I almost had a fucking heart attack. Like, how does this weird off-brand Superman know my name and why is he slurring his words?”

Newest Off Leash Magazine Available Now!

May 02, 2020 by J.C.

We saw your shitty memes. Your subtweets. Your endless stream of mindless political content. We’ve all been desperately attempting to take the edge off this horrifying world crisis. Little did you know, young one, is that what you’ve needed all along is for your favorite local fake news source to take your mundane existence and turn it into a joke!

Inspiring: Start-Up Company Lets You Hire Someone to Quarantine For You

Off Leash News Room

April 13, 2020 by J.N.

With the current lockdown restrictions in Washington state, many businesses have been struggling to continue operations while following proper social distancing procedures. However, the new Seattle-based social media startup, Quaran-time, has the solution: simply hire someone else to stay inside for you!

LEAKED! Exclusive Excerpt from Soon-to-be-Released Satire Publication

Off Leash News Room

March 31, 2020 by C.B. & M.J

In a time when college students are so confused and saddened that they can barely summon up the strength to make memes (yeah, things are pretty bad), comedy is more necessary than ever. Fortunately, we have it on good authority that there will soon be a digital release of a COMPLETELY FREE and VERY HIGH-QUALITY quarantine-themed satire magazine. It seems…

“Join a FIG to Make Friends”, Says Lonely, Friendless Undergraduate Advisor

Off Leash News Room

March 05, 2020 by J.N.

This week, Off Leash News sent a reporter to speak with undergraduate advisor Zachary Morrison about the importance of community building for new students. Contorting his face into a pained smile, Morrison explained the importance of joining a FIG. “I would say that all freshman should join a FIG in their first quarter. It helps you meet so many new people, and it’s a great opportunity to make this university feel just a bit smaller.” His smile immediately began to fade, the façade of plastered glee peeling off. This was the first glimpse of the broken man hiding underneath khaki shorts and a ‘Go Dawgs!’ sweatshirt.

Seattle to Implement New Regulations on Axes

Off Leash News Room

January 25, 2020 by V.M.

Though there is no longer a need to cut down firewood to make it through the long northwest nights, the axe is still a staple across Puget Sound households. Fondly remembered by local lumberjacks and murderers alike, the axe is for many the weapon of choice for forestry, self-protection, and collection in and of itself. In a shockingly bold move, Seattle lawmakers voted Sunday to reinforce and strengthen the laws concerning the registration and regulation of axes.

UW Professor Suspended After Showing Pornography in Lecture

Off Leash News Room

January 23, 2020 by L.E.

This week, UW Professor Robert Grace was removed from his lecturing position after accidentally showing pornography. He was apparently viewing the material before class and failed to close his tabs as the lecture began. The pornography was displayed as the professor tried to open a separate video on racial discrimination in the US prison system. We interviewed several students to get their thoughts on the matter.

Humanities Layoffs Cause Mayhem Among Students With Abandonment Issues

Off Leash News Room

January 15, 2020 by M.J.

The recent announcement that the humanities division will be laying off many major-specific advisers comes as a terrible blow to humanities students with daddy, mommy, and other assorted issues. Students and faculty members alike struggle to comprehend why the university would choose to cut advisers in a department that is widely known to be full of emotionally dependant and needy young “adults.”

Sneak Peak at Winter 2020’s Hottest Course: COM 263, Intro to Cancel Culture

Off Leash News Room

November 04, 2019 by J.C.

Happy Week 6, dawgs!

We are officially halfway through fall quarter, so set your 5:55 AM alarms, and get ready to fight to the death to register for the classes you want. As your go-to source for campus tips and tricks, we wanted to highlight a new UW course that might be of interest to you.

Buckle up folks, because the College of Arts and Sciences finally got enough funding to introduce a course you might like: COM 263, Introduction to Cancel Culture.

New Study Justifies UW Animal Testing: Monkeys Were Bad Monkeys

October 01, 2019 by C.Y.

New revelations surrounding the University of Washington’s animal testing have revealed groundbreaking justifications surrounding its animal testing trials. The study found that despite violating basic ethics by testing and torturing animals, the UW’s monkeys were some really bad monkeys.

First They Came for Sanskrit: UW Cuts All Language Departments Except For Java

June 03, 2019 by E.S.

In the wake of the news that the small but mighty Sanskrit department at UW is facing termination, UW administration has decided to slash all foreign language offerings except for Java. Currently, the university offers 45 different foreign languages, from popular choices like French and Spanish to the eccentric Uyghur and Latvian, but following this change, it would offer only one.

Off Leash’s ASUW Endorsements

May 09, 2019 by Off Leash News

Here it is: the long-awaited, much-anticipated Off Leash who’s-who endorsement list for these upcoming ASUW elections (that take place from the 9th through 12th of this month). We weren’t planning on voting either, but after extensive research we have decided to compile this list of the most apt and capable candidates to represent students just like you. For any first-time-voters, head over to http://vote.asuw.org and cast your vote.

UW College Republicans to Launch Campaign Reclaiming the W-Word

May 03, 2019 by S.M.

Off Leash News was given the amazing opportunity to sit down with Dodge Sullivan, the president of the UW College Republicans, to discuss the inspiration behind the launch of their brand new campaign “Caucasian Liberation.” The campaign is centered around the reclamation of the W-word.

Construction Workers Beg Students to Stop Shameless Catcalling

April 28, 2019 by M.J.

If you’ve strolled through the quad or walked by the North Campus dorms this quarter, you may have noticed the many construction workers that are helping to make our university more structurally sound. And yeah, let’s face it: they’re fine as hell. Who could possibly ignore their big, work-roughened hands, or the way that those sexy neon vests hug their curves?

Self Care FTW: UW Adopts First Ever Quad Baby

April 16, 2019 by S.M.

In an attempt to promote self-care, the University of Washington administration announced last Tuesday that it will be introducing the newest addition to the UW Health and Wellness team: Kyle the Quad Baby, endearingly referred to as the “Quaby.” Yup, you heard it right here folks, some universities have dog petting to help their students relieve stress, but as stated by Tonya Carson, a therapist with the UW Counseling Center, “that’s some little league shit.”

New Study Confirms Doug is as Special as His Mom Always Said

April 14, 2019 by G.T.

Friends, professors, and ex-girlfriends were surprised by the results of a recent study on student Doug Thompson, but his mother was not.

Last week, UW researchers released data that corroborated Mrs. Thompson’s long-held belief that Doug is “very special” (Wang, et al. xxi). The data shows that Doug “can do anything he sets his mind to” and that over the years, “Doug has really grown into a very handsome young man” (Wang, et al. 13).

“I’m not surprised by the results of the study at all,” Doug’s mom said. “I’ve always said that he’s very talented and has a lot of potential.”

Admissions Scandal: Dub Street Employees Not Qualified to Get Your Kid into UW

April 11, 2019 by T.H.

Housing and Food Services employees across campus have been reporting an increase in the number of people asking them non food-related questions.

Patrick Howell, student food worker at DUB Street Burgers, located in the HUB, says it’s becoming increasingly more common for visiting parents on campus tours to ask for tips on their child’s admissions process.

“Oh yeah, parents come in all the time looking for advice. I try telling them, ‘you know, I just sell the chicken strips,’ but that really never works,” Patrick explained during his 5-minute break. He added, “Eventually, I just had to make up my own spiel. I’ll say things like, ‘look it's all about a holistic application.’ I’ve even made my own business card”.