Housing and Food Services recently announced that their employees will personally be slapping each and every student that resides on-campus or frequents the dining halls. When we approached the president of HFS, Sal Menila, they repeatedly assured us that “[their] employees work tirelessly until every one of those smug bastards got a good slap.”
Read MoreAs students donned their caps and gowns and entered Husky Stadium to finally conclude their academic journey, a certain smell permeated the air. No, not lake water. Confidence.
Read MoreSeveral fires have broken out near campus since the start of the Spring quarter. Most were small and unremarkable other than one last week that started on the Ave in the midst of a rainstorm. As an investigative journalist, something about this fire seemed off to me from the get-go.
Read MoreAs everyone is aware by now, the top part of the Broken Obelisk (now identified as the malevolent ghost of a student not admitted into their major) has been floating above Red Square for about a week now. It has begun screaming as of Tuesday morning.
Read MoreAfter frustration and capacity concerns with on-campus housing, HFS has developed an innovative solution to accommodating students: live in someone’s aunt’s house. This approach was created after an HFS staff member overstayed his welcome on a Hinge date and thought it wasn’t half bad.
Read MoreThis past Monday, a draft opinion was leaked from the Supreme Court that proposed to overturn Roe v. Wade, and with it abortion rights. Justices were furious at the leak, and could not understand why this action was taken.
“My body of work, my choice,” said Justice Amy Coney Barrett. “I should be allowed to decide whether I want to allow my document, which by the way is nowhere close to fully developed, into this world.”
Read MoreElon Musk just doesn’t know when to stop. Fresh off his decision to buy Twitter, which was made after he overheard a Tesla employee asking: “Geez, how could twitter get any worse?” Musk has decided to buy the Twitter of automobiles: Uber.
Read More“Please, for the love of god save me,” screamed political science major Connor Hoffman before having his entrails slurped by the Lovecraftian prophesied “Cthulhu” this past week. For those out of the loop, this month, students across campus have held protests, pleading with UW administration to remove the ancient being. Ana Marie Cauce issued this statement amid the growing concern from the student body:
Read MoreThis past Wednesday, the University of Washington announced that it would be accepting Box Tops in place of tuition for the upcoming school year. Off Leash reached out to a school representative to inquire why the university made such a bold decision. “The pandemic has put a financial burden on all of us, including the University of Washington,” stated UW’s representative Genny Mills, “We have decided to invoke the Box Top program to help make ends meet around here.”
Read MoreAs part of an advertising campaign for Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald, J.K. Rowling has teamed up with UW to rename Suzzallo Library to the “Official Harry Potter Library™: presented by J.K. Rowling.” The renaming will coincide with a series of changes to theme the library like the wizarding world of Harry Potter! The Starbucks will now serve Butterbeer lattes, the reading section will add floating candle features, and trans people are no longer allowed in the building.
Read MoreIn a fervent fever dream we here at Off Leash cannot seem to stop, we have been acquired by Q Zert Apple Zerstock Templeton the 3rd, self-proclaimed entrepreneur / guy on campus saying “the Civil War was about states’ rights”. Q Zert - after buying the deeds to each of our writers’ parents’ houses, our club president's vocal cords (which he plans to keep in a seashell until further notice), and the legal right to name my first born son - is now the largest shareholder in our paper's history.
Read MoreBig news for the animal labor movement recently came to UW’s campus—the Drumheller geese succeeded in their push for unionization, securing campus-wide shitting rights and $15/hr. Unfazed by questions such as “do they even do work?” and “what the actual f#@k is going on?” the victorious geese held a press conference this Thursday…
Read MoreOn Thursday morning, UW Housing and Food Services announced its intention to introduce a new competitive system for providing utilities to on-campus housing. The proposed utility system was developed to address students’ environmental concerns on campus. Students who decide to live with HFS will be required to apply to the capacity constrained utility program.
Read MoreUnless you’ve been living under a rock or in Hansee Hall, the last two weeks have been busy ones on campus with the cherry blossoms in full bloom. If you were able to fight your way through the mob of tourists, people with glazed-over eyes staring blankly ahead and children that are specifically three years old…
Read MoreThe University of Washington has lifted its indoor mask mandate for spring quarter, but for “white guys only.” The university wants to gather data about the spread of Covid without masks, and decided to do so with a smaller group. This is why the majority of people not wearing masks around campus are white guys.
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The UW has told us they are unplugging our computer and since it is our only computer we will be unable to continue making this publication.
Read MoreWe’re at the end of another very successful quarter here at the University of Washington. All of us here at Off Leash News want to thank our most loyal readers and offer some spring break tips before we embark on our adventures.
Read MoreA report released yesterday by UW Police has announced that an accident at the Odegaard undergraduate gloryhole has injured a student and created a rift in space and time that has replaced what used to be a staple of hookup culture on campus with a cosmic disturbance that may pose a threat to your safety if you get too close.
Read MoreThe odds of you having ever been crazy enough to try the fruits at HFS is not high. But if you have tried the “blackberries” at places like Center Table, you may have noticed that they don’t resemble berries so much as endangered fuzzy caterpillars from the Amazon.
Read MoreLocal middle school bully Ivan Flynn has become the first person in the United States to publicly side with Russia in their invasion of Ukraine: “He wants it, so he’s taking it. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?”
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