Dear Off Leash,
I know spring is supposed to be a happy time, a reward for dealing with the months of people trying to be funny with seasonal depression jokes, but I’m dealing with a full-blown identity crisis. The start of spring means the approaching end of the school year, and, as a third year, I now realize a cold new reality: I’ll be both a senior and a senior by credits.
Read MoreA terrible blow has been struck to the Women’s Protection Units (YPJ), the all-female wing of the People’s Protection Units (YPG), which is the armed wing of the Kurdish Democratic Union Party (PYD)– not to be confused with the Free Women’s Units (YJA), the all-female wing of the People’s Defense Forces (HPG), which is the armed wing of the Kurdistan Workers’ Party (PKK)– well, anyway, a terrible blow has been struck.
Read MoreThis week, Texas Governor Greg Abbott sealed up every orifice in his body and died after being told having holes makes him a girl. Colleagues watched him flop on the ground for several minutes, his eyes, ears, nose, mouth, anus, and urethra blocked with concrete sealant before he finally proved his point.
Read MoreThe blossoming of cherry trees, blue skies, and the return of skateboarders to Red Square after their hibernation can mean only one thing: spring is here. But the coming of spring marks not only the end of winter, but the end of a key aspect of many students’ personalities: seasonal depression.
Read MoreThere’s an obvious and hilarious fact that we’ve all been ignoring about spring. Every year, as far back as I can remember, trees bloom around the same time, bringing with them beauty and warmth as well as a living hell for people with mild to severe allergies. As we’re all too aware, humans will go to great lengths to see spring in action, whether it’s a cherry blossom, or another cherry blossom, or even a third cherry blossom.
Read MoreAs a baby, which I am, I have long had considerable interest in the mechanics of “peek-a-boo.” Initially, I thought, “How could this be? The lady is gone, but then she reappears?”
Read MoreWhen they bloom, UW’s cherry blossom trees possess an almost unworldly beauty, rivaled only by the likes of Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea. However, like Cleopatra and Iggy Azalea, the cherry blossom trees can be dangerous.
Read MoreOn June 11th, 2022, I graduated from the University of Washington, and from my role as President of Off Leash News. The position was inherited by members of the publication that I knew would love and respect the role and its responsibilities. They were smart, funny, and kind. Things were in safe hands.
Read MoreHouse shows have been an integral part of the U District for a long time, I think. Every weekend, multiple venues host small local bands so that UW students can use music as an excuse to get piss drunk enough to not think about the years they’ll need to spend in this godforsaken institution. These gatherings also invite a culture of “fashion” and “rejection of mainstream society,” but individuals who subscribe to these alternative ideals seem to spend most of their time shitting on other people doing the same thing as them. Regardless, the administration has decided it has had enough.
Read MoreAre you going to a beach this spring break? Somewhere warm? Like San Diego or Cabo? What are you, some kind of bitch? Yeah, that’s what I thought. At Off Leash, we aren’t bitches. We smoke cigarettes and eat rocks for breakfast.
Read MoreParents are already raising concerns about the amount of gratuitous nudity in the new Frog and Toad series set to premier on Apple TV. A recent statement on Twitter by Nat Faxon, the voice of Frog, asserted that “They’re animals. They’re not supposed to wear clothes.”
Read MoreAs Spring approaches, many students begin to dream of graduating, soaking up some sun, and no longer wanting to eat glass. After all, it is the season of renewal. But fantasies of escaping this well financially, but poor penisly, endowed institution may soon be squashed for the class of Spring 2023.
Read MoreFor years, student protests against UW’s ties with exploitative companies have fallen on deaf ears. Student campaigns failed to stop UW spending millions on prison-made dorm furniture, allying with war profiteer Boeing, and currently, from improving atrocious Local Point working conditions.
Read MoreA recent stabbing in the U-District is proving difficult to solve as police try to track down the suspect. The stabbing occurred late last Thursday night on some irrelevant numbered street, where the victim was hit right below the ribs and is now recovering poorly in the hospital.
Read MoreUniversity of Washington's Husky Film Club is facing backlash after it was revealed that they were forcing prospective members to choose between a purple pill and a gold pill.
Read MoreAh, winter. The season where everything dies, Twitter is filled with complaints of seasonal depression, and your classmate reminds you they’re from a colder climate. We here at Off Leash see you, out of state students from frozen wastelands, and we want you to know you’re heard. So you can stop telling everyone that winters are worse in the hell you originated in.
Read MoreUW students organized outside of admin buildings this past weekend to protest the school’s purported failure to deliver on promises made to them. “The Pagliacci in Local Point is still closed even though they said it’d reopen,” one student claimed. “I joined an LLC and it was exactly the same as every other floor in my dorm building,” said another.
Read MoreDear Off Leash, How do I politely show everyone else at this school that I’m smarter than them? I was in the top 20% of my high school graduating class. I got a really good SAT scores. I got off the waitlist really early. I’m obviously the highest IQ big brain in this school of godforsaken Neanderthals, but it seems like no one notices or appreciates my genius.
Read MoreIn lieu of this year’s somewhat successful football season, Coach Füt Bahl has decided to implement changes beyond drafting new, impressionable high schoolers. Bahl stated he hopes to win every football next year, before star player James Vagina graduates and starts playing on the big football field in the sky.
Read MoreIn a recent poll of every single student on campus, it was determined students don’t think there’s enough construction. This comes after years of total silence on campus, a dry spell from UW’s usual desired and timely renovations or new builds.
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