In a somewhat shocking announcement this morning, the Office of Ceremonies has stated that 2024 Annual Commencement ceremonies across all departments, including The Big One, will be canceled, though the reason behind this decision remains unclear to the public. In an email sent to all students, faculty, and staff, the Office of Ceremonies also included a link to a file titled “womp_womp.mp3,” which, predictably, was an audio recording of a melancholy trombone sound. 

On Tuesday, the University of Washington’s Office of Admissions announced its plans to begin distributing fines of up to $500 to students heard speaking negatively about any physical or metaphysical thing associated with the UW in front of tour groups. This decision comes after an unusually high number of admitted students electing to attend other universities in 2024. 

A single-family home. A loving spouse. 2.5 kids. Doesn’t that sound nice? All of this could be in your future. But judging by the state of your life right now, it won’t be. The problem is that you have a terrible addiction: You can’t stop making daily purchases between $5-16. They come in all sorts of forms. A caramel macchiato with oat milk. A soy vanilla latte. A bagel with cream cheese. You need to buy something small, yummy, and slightly overpriced in order to feel some semblance of productivity for the rest of your day.

The University of Washington is known for many things: groundbreaking research, a beautiful campus, a football team that exists and is pretty good sometimes, a lovable husky mascot, and a second, slightly creepier husky mascot. Not among these features is its spring break scene.