Opinion: I Know When the Big One's Coming

October 16, 2024 by Nissa S.

First things first, I’m really fucking smart. I got a 1420 on my SAT’s when I was a junior in high school, and Harvard just about got down on their knees and sucked whatever I’ve got down there just to beg me to come to them. But lucky for you guys, I chose the University of Washington in good ol’ Seattle, because somebody’s gotta tell those dusty seismo-nerds jacking it to little heart monitor scribbles when they need to ditch the “Drop. Cover. And Hold On.”

Crushes Return as Classes Resume, to the Dismay of Many

October 08, 2024 by Julia D.

As the school year opens, so do many hearts, and also many legs. This can be fine, especially with those who are okay bumping uglies and then never seeing their ugly bumping partner again, however not everyone can be that emotionally unavailable and unafraid to stare down the looming monster known as chlamydia. And God knows that for every unabashed slut roaming UDistrict, there’s a hopeless romantic with misguided trust sitting at home. Or at a bar.

As Election Nears, UW to Offer AimLab Class

October 04, 2024 by Mady B.

After over nearly a century of brewing Second Amendment tensions, Americans have cultivated a reputation for being gun-loving freedom whores armed with military-grade assault rifles. In recent years though, something else has become clear. Maybe it’s not reallythat surprising we got our asses kicked in Vietnam. Clearly none of you bitches can shoot a gun.

School is Back, Give Me Adderall Now!

October 01, 2024 by Isaac B.

FWOC. (First Week of Class, for any losers.) A time honored tradition. The only time when it really does seem like 40,000 students go to this school, because somehow every single one of them has managed to get in my way today.

2024 Commencement Canceled Because F*** You, That’s Why

May 31, 2024 by Lucy I.

In a somewhat shocking announcement this morning, the Office of Ceremonies has stated that 2024 Annual Commencement ceremonies across all departments, including The Big One, will be canceled, though the reason behind this decision remains unclear to the public. In an email sent to all students, faculty, and staff, the Office of Ceremonies also included a link to a file titled “womp_womp.mp3,” which, predictably, was an audio recording of a melancholy trombone sound.

UW Alumni Association Adopts Kinky Fundraising Strategy

May 21, 2024 by Blake J.

The UW Alumni Association, UWAA (not to be confused with UW Alcoholics Anonymous – also commonly referred to as Off Leash News) is one of the great benefits of being a member of the UW Dawg Pack. The association gives UW Alumni the opportunity to add people you don’t know on Linkedin, see people make six figures working at Amazon right out of college while you are stuck working as a barista, and check up on the guy you hooked up with two years ago.

“Nothing to See Here” says Administration About Completely Empty Campus

May 15, 2024 by T. L.

The University of Washington administration is having a great week. The campus is looking beautiful in its spring greenery and students are super engaged and excited to learn. The administration wants to assure everyone that everything is fine and normal and that nothing is going on out of the ordinary.

Boeing Named Title Sponsor of Montlake Cut

May 07, 2024 by T. L.

The Washington based aviation company, Boeing, has been in the news recently for all of the wrong reasons. From doors flying off their airplanes, maybe definitely killing whistleblowers, and a bunch of other stuff that I don’t want to research, the company’s public image is in a complete free fall. Curiously, however, the University of Washington, this past Monday, named Boeing as the title sponsor of the popular swimming spot and also crew racing course, the Montlake Cut.

Students to be Fined for Disparaging UW in Front of Tour Groups

April 30, 2024 by Lucy I.

On Tuesday, the University of Washington’s Office of Admissions announced its plans to begin distributing fines of up to $500 to students heard speaking negatively about any physical or metaphysical thing associated with the UW in front of tour groups. This decision comes after an unusually high number of admitted students electing to attend other universities in 2024.

Remembering UW's Forgotten Mascot, Alan

April 25, 2024 by N.A.

For many years, both football fans and students alike have adored anthropomorphic mascot Harry the Husky. With his bombastic attitude, cheeky smile, and muscular physique, he truly lights up the stadium and brings it home every time he runs onto the field. But even the most studious college football scholars may not remember Harry the Husky’s whimsical companion: his human handler, Alan.

META to Debut Entirely New Line of Credit: Your Dignity

April 23, 2024 by C.H.

Sometimes, especially as a college student, you might find yourself eagerly anticipating your next paycheck. Worry not! META has a new solution for you- and all you have to do is sign over your dignity.

UWPD Apprehends Dangerous Student Criminal

April 18, 2024 by J.Z.

Last night, UWPD apprehended a long-term target the organization had been chasing for months. The department is “more than pleased” with the outcome of this case, and wants to let UW students know that the campus is in “good hands.”

All ASUW Election Candidates Old as Shit

April 16, 2024 by Julia D.

With the promise of adding New York Times Games subscriptions for all and Cooking subscriptions for the lucky, UW students are paying attention to the ASUW election for the first time ever. Well, except for poli-sci majors who fervently masturbate to C-SPAN. They’ve been voting in these for a while.

Obituary: The Juice is Uhhhhh

April 12, 2024 by Blake J.

Orenthal James Simpson, more commonly known as OJ Simpson or “The Juice,” passed away on April 11, 2024. A statement released from OJ’s family relieved that The Juice had passed due to complications with prostate cancer. As with many events surrounding OJ’s life, there appear to be details that are unclear with the situation at hand.

Rainier Vista Skyline Blocked Behind Paywall

April 11, 2024 by N.A.

This past Monday, students at the University of Washington were surprised to see an opaque glass barrier hanging in mid-air across the Rainier vista. The glass barrier appears to have been strategically placed to block the sight of Mt. Rainier from every angle, with no evidence of construction having undergone beforehand. When Off Leash News reached out to the University for an explanation, we were told that the view of the mountain will now be locked behind a paywall.

UW Fashion: Strap In 4 Spring, or Strap Off?

April 09, 2024 by Isaac B.

There are many signs around campus that spring hath indeed sprung. Students pretending to read on the quad, couples taking their wedding photos directly in your path to class at 9 in the morning, and weird amounts of middle schoolers roaming around in the Hub. But perhaps most notable and exciting are the increasingly warm-weather-oriented fashion choices that are spreading throughout the student body.

ASUW Announces Accompanying “16 and Pregnant” Section of Its Dating Show

April 04, 2024 by Mady B.

Recently, the Associated Students of the University of Washington, or ASUW, which is best known for sending you emails, came out with a bold new live dating show featuring students from our very own university. Unfortunately, none of our writers were able to get in. Let it be known we all applied, but none of us were selected. I received an email back only containing my headshot and the subject line “lol,” but bygones are bygones.

Popping the Tourism Cherry (Blossoms)

April 02, 2024 by A.S.

Spring has sprung in the University of Washington, which means that it’s going to start raining only six out of the seven days of the week, as opposed to eight. But with the oncoming of clearer skies and sunnier days, so does the onslaught of—you know them, you love them—tourists.

Breaking: Every Girl at the University of Washington Has a Boyfriend

March 29, 2024 by J.Z.

A shocking revelation has been presented to Off Leash News from esteemed reporter Jacob Dindler: every woman on University of Washington’s campus has a boyfriend.

Opinion: Buying a Coffee Today Could Put Your Future Family in Danger

March 27, 2024 by Lucy I.

A single-family home. A loving spouse. 2.5 kids. Doesn’t that sound nice? All of this could be in your future. But judging by the state of your life right now, it won’t be. The problem is that you have a terrible addiction: You can’t stop making daily purchases between $5-16. They come in all sorts of forms. A caramel macchiato with oat milk. A soy vanilla latte. A bagel with cream cheese. You need to buy something small, yummy, and slightly overpriced in order to feel some semblance of productivity for the rest of your day.