Opinion: Love Isn’t Real and It’s Your Job to Tell Everyone

February 14, 2025 by Julia D.

Valentine’s day has come around another year, and you’re still single. It’s not your fault, though. You’ve done everything you can. You talked to that freshman who sits next to you in Psych 210, and she rejected you because “you’re thirty” and “still can’t point out the clitoris after two weeks of vaginal anatomy.” You asked your roommate if they have any single friends, but were met with a chorus of “get out,” “I’m mid stroke,” and “I thought I locked the door.” While he may have indeed locked the door, your need for love was stronger. Keyword: was.

DEI-Hire Dubs to be Put Down After New Federal Mandate

February 12, 2025 by Anna V.

President Trump’s new anti-DEI initiative aims to root out unqualified workers who were hired under DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) programs. For the University of Washington, no member of staff fits this description better than the school mascot, Bartholomew J. Dubs II, more commonly known by his alias ‘Dubs’.

Opinion: It’s Not Your Landlord’s Fault Your Heater is Broken

February 10, 2025 by Julia D.

With snowfall and cold temperatures hitting Seattle, it’s no surprise that students are upset. Between classes being canceled, not being canceled, busses rerouting, shit being eaten on Red Square, and drafty windows, the UW student body is grumblier than ever. And one demographic is bearing far more than their share of it: landlords.

UW Corporate Partners Set to Expand Campus Presence

February 07, 2025 by Shady A.

The University of Washington has reached an agreement with all four of its official strategic corporate partnerships: Alaska Airlines, BECU, PepsiCo, and Starbucks, that will allow the companies to expand their presence on campus. The official reason for the agreement is, quote, “money”.

Opinion: Country Music’s Banner Year is a Rejection of the Modern World

February 05, 2025 by Isaac B.

Despite Billy Ray Cyrus’s best efforts on inauguration day, this year was a year of country music. As seen at this weekend’s Grammys, country music has taken over the mainstream. After taking note of the meteoric rise of neotraditional, big-chinned artists like Tyler Childers and Zach Bryan, everybody and their desperately-trying-to-pull-off-a-cowboy-hat mother has been hopping onto the country bandwagon. Post Malone, Yung Gravy, and many more random white men have embraced the power of forced Southern twang and a little bit of banjo. Even the queen mother Lana Del Rey claims to be cooking up a little Nashville-flavored something. The real question is, why have we, the profit-generating masses, gotten so into country music lately? Why are we so eager to stomp our boots and shake our denim-clad behinds to a genre that was a cultural laughing stock just 10 years ago? When you truly interrogate the state of our nation the reason is clear. Our western-tinted Spotify Wrappeds reflect a communal rejection of modernity.

Opinion: Stop Complaining About the Cold

January 24, 2025 by Isaac B.

Why are you complaining? It’s been in the low 40s for one (1) week and you’re out here acting like you’re battling the elements with Ernest Shackleton. All the weather has done is merely dip its pinky toe just barely below freezing at 4 in the morning and we all know you’re not even out of bed until 11:21am. My Siberian grandmother is shoveling snow at 0 degrees Fahrenheit and you don’t even have puddles to worry about anymore. You’ve never experienced a thing in your life. You are just desperate to complain and the rest of us do not want to hear it.

Looking for Love: Must be Early 20s with Domestication Fetish

January 23, 2025 by C.H.

At the age of 22, I have a favorite sponge brand. Sometimes, I sniff my bathroom cleaners to see if I’m feeling lemon-y fresh or plain bleach for the week. I salivate over the Dyson vacuums in Macy’s Home Store. I’ll say it: I have been thoroughly domesticated.

Trump Condemns the Resistance in Draft of Inauguration Speech

January 17, 2025 by T. L.

Former President Donald Trump will become President Lord Commander Trump again on Monday when he is sworn into office for the second time. A leak of Trump’s inauguration address has been acquired by Off Leash News and reads as follows:

Man Debating Students in Quad Hired as Political Science Professor

January 10, 2025 by J.Z.

In a statement released five days before the start of Winter Quarter, the University of Washington revealed that a new political science professor will be joining their staff.

“It has come to our attention that there is a man in the quad who has been sparking political debate akin to that of the Roman Forum,” said political science department head James D. Long. “We heard this man talking over 19-year olds really fast and we knew we had to hire him.”

HUB to Take Away More Microwaves from Students

December 10, 2024 by Julia D.

By now, most of the UW student body has heard that the HUB took away the student-use microwave in their food court. This has in turn sparked outrage, ranging from instagram stories to reddit posts, all griping about no longer being able to heat up hot pockets. And yet, the HUB still isn’t done.

Washington Football Team Blames Lack of Penis for Disappointing Season

December 03, 2024 by T. L.

EUGENE, Oregon – The Washington Huskies fell to the Oregon Ducks 49-21 on Saturday in their final regular season game of the season. A year after shocking the country with a Sugar Bowl victory and an appearance in the National Championship game, the Huskies had a disappointing season, finishing at a mediocre 6-6. It was not the season first-year head coach Jedd Fisch envisioned when he took the reins in place of the Alabama-bound Kalen DeBoer.

Jeremy Allen White Ruined Friendsgiving

November 26, 2024 by J.Z.

A new Thanksgiving tradition known as Friendsgiving has become a cultural phenomenon in the United States in the past decade. The event consists of friends gathering together for a large potluck dinner sometime in late November, and spending the evening being thankful for one another.

Opinion: Please Don’t Make Me Get an Internship

November 22, 2024 by A.S.

It’s fall. It’s beginning to rain. The temperature’s starting to get just cold enough that you’ll need a thin jacket while walking to your classes, but you’ll be slightly damp and sticky while sitting in your 300-person lectures. You’re always woken up at 6:30 in the morning from construction. You know it, you love it—It’s summer internship application season.

Legendary UW Procrastinator Forced Out of Retirement

November 19, 2024 by J.Z.

After narrowly submitting his latest 15 page midterm essay two minutes before the 11:59 pm deadline, third year political science student and general dumbass Michael Wong swore he would never procrastinate another assignment again.

Hall Health’s New Plan for Cold and Cough Season: Rub Some Dirt on It

November 15, 2024 by J.Z.

The University of Washington has become ground zero for Seattle’s treacherous cough and cold season. Students are dropping like flies as dorms, fraternities, and even classrooms have become breeding grounds for sickness.

Trump Wins: Women Die I Guess

November 07, 2024 by Mady B.

Trump ekes out a win after canceling every single mail-in ballot (again, but it worked this time) in a slow slide of land election. He officially broke the 270 mark yesterday morning after those pesky election workers finally finished counting with all their fingers and toes, not quite eviscerating Kamala Harris but at least hitting a T-bag.

Endorsement: A Kennedy That Probably Won’t Get Shot

November 05, 2024 by Off Leash News

To say that the 2024 Presidential Race will be a turning point in the history of the United States is dumb, because that’s what every single presidential race is, that’s the point. The president, once elected, does their job and then things happen, at least that’s what I’m led to believe. We the voters of like 7 states bestow a great power onto one individual, so the decision of those people in those 7 states should not be taken lightly. As a trusted news organization who’s readers span the globe*, Off Leash News felt like it was time we shared our informed and unbiased and stupid opinion on this presidential race. We have decided to officially endorse Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for President.

Opinion: I Want a Fucking Trick This Halloween

October 31, 2024 by T. L.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It has been since I was a wee lad, dressing up as Obi-Wan Kenobi or a zombie that one time. I was never into candy that much, but I was obsessed with the pageantry of Halloween. I’ve never been so into fashion than when I’m picking out my costume. That zombie costume I mentioned was actually really cool; we burned the edges of my t-shirt, spread charcoal stains on my jacket, and bloodied my face with some blood we found in our backyard. One year I was a hobo, which you can’t do anymore because of the woke left, but I embodied what it meant to be a homeless man as a 10-year old because we were living in a simpler time. I’m not even gonna talk about the time I was a princess.

UW Unveils New Scholarship for Sex Offenders

October 29, 2024 by Julia D.

If everything else fails, one thing remains true: University of Washington will never be outdone by Washington State University. Not in academics, not in location, not in football unless you count those times that were fake anyways, and certainly not in sexually offending students. Therefore, when Washington State came under fire in mid-September for allowing a level three sex offender to attend classes, University of Washington administration knew it had to do something.

UW to Host Career Layoff Fairs to Prepare Students for Tough Job Market

October 25, 2024 by Mady B.

Career fairs have taken the job market by storm, revolutionizing how students think about career networking. The University of Washington touts numerous patterns where these fairs can be discovered, including a unique section on the platform Handshake. On the ground, though, the situation is dire. There are far too few recruiters and too many attendees. Third-year comp science student, Michael Bayely, described his concerns over having attended so many career fairs to middling results.