Cure for Autism Leaves UW Engineering Department in Chaos

Last Monday, the tape worm roosting inside RFK Jr’s skull made a startling announcement. The cure for autism had been found: a reduced form of Vitamin B9, known as ‘Leucovorin’. While the actual evidence linking it to autism is sparing, it just so happens to be a favorite food of the tape worms which RFK Jr. is definitely not putting into public water systems. 

Seattle, home of Reddit and Computer Science, has a high concentration of those who might be deemed Autistic. The area around the U-District is particularly concentrated, evidenced by the surge of demand for Leucovorin which left many stores in the area running out of supply before class started on Wednesday.

By Wednesday, the impact of the drug was already apparent. Several departments have reported historically low attendance rates, with even professors resigning their positions after taking the drug. The UW Engineering department was hit especially hard. One student, who claims not to have autism despite spending 40+ hours a week studying airplanes, reported to Off Leash News that he was the only student to attend his ‘structural vibrations’ lectures all week. His professor began taking the medication on Friday, and has not been seen back in the classroom since. 

Nearly 90% of the UW Engineering population, students and professors alike, have either dropped out, handed in their resignations, or simply disappeared over the past week. Those who remain are struggling to find any professors still willing to spend over two hours discussing computational fluid dynamics. 

Our reporters managed to track down a few of the missing students, who had begun to coalesce in the woods behind McMahon. We spoke to a former mechanical engineering student who had this to say:

“I just woke up and thought, man, I could be getting pussy right now.” Over the summer, he put in over 200 hours into an internship studying bridges. Now, he plans on joining a sport’s team and getting ‘hella bitches’. 

While the undergraduates plan how to get a life, several professors who have taken the drug are not coping as well. One of the escaped professors was found hidden in the basement of Kane Hall, eating paint chips off the wall. He refused to answer questions from our reporters. The years of intensively studying the most tedious subjects and League of Legends lore was too much for his non-autistic brain to handle. It simply broke him. He, along with many of his colleagues are currently interred within the psychiatric wing of the UW Medical Center. 

Other departments have suffered as well, with notably history students having the second highest rates of absences. However, some have questioned if this chaos is indeed caused by the autism of UW students being ‘cured’. 

An independent investigation from the UW Biochemistry department found tape-worms inside the heads of nearly 99% of those who had begun taking Leucovorin. They proposed that the widespread mania was caused not because of a cure for autism, but because of the brain-eating tapeworms implanting themselves into the minds of those who took the drug. 

No matter the truth, it can be said that the UW is sorely lacking new talent. Even clubs, such as Off Leash, have seen dramatic lowering of their numbers. Luckily, we are currently accepting applications for new writers and artists! Apply now at https://www.offleashnews.com/writer-application.