Opinion: We Should Be Arming the DM Cashiers

January 27, 2026 by C.T.

It’s an open secret that the UW District Markets are the perfect place to go to steal your mid-lecture drink. While I’ve legally been advised not to openly endorse this practice, shoplifting from the DM is an integral part of being a UW student. But with theft so rampant, something must be done so that the brave student cashiers don’t have to idly stand by as their hard-stocked goods are escorted out of the store without payment. Thus, I think we should start giving them guns.

"Yaoi" Dominates Family Discussion During Holidays

January 15, 2026 by Shady A.

Upon returning home for the winter holidays, UW student Shembert O’Malley made the tragic mistake of jokingly referencing yaoi at the dinner table. After Shembert’s refusal to answer questions like “what's yaoi?” and “are you learning Japanese?” and “why are you trying to hide under the table?” Shembert’s grandmother found the answers when she discovered yaoi.fandom.com.

Demond Williams Jr. Entered the Wrong Portal and is Now Missing in Another Dimension

January 13, 2026 by B.H.

The last couple of weeks have been tough for Husky Football fans, as numerous players have entered the transfer portal to leave Seattle. The new year has seen heavy hitters like Adam Mohammed, Raiden Vines-Bright, and star quarterback Demond Williams Jr. setting their sights on other colleges. While Mohammed and Vines-Bright have successfully committed to other schools through the transfer portal, Williams Jr. has reportedly entered a multi-dimensional wormhole instead. He hasn’t been seen or heard from in over a week, and UWPD has put out a statement asking the public for help.

UW Professor Employs Religious Guilt to Combat Cheating

December 09, 2025 by Mady B.

With finals looming over the horizon, the professors of the University of Washington have once again begun their Sisyphian task of reiterating their anti-cheating policies despite knowing full well that the only student paying attention wasn’t going to cheat anyway. Math classes hardly need to worry about cheating, as there’s barely even time to solve the problems— let alone look them up– but with the breadth of subjects offered at the UW, it really is every professor for him/her/theirself.

NCAA to Extend Eligibility to “28th Year” Student-Athletes

November 26, 2025 by V.B.

In a groundbreaking initiative, the NCAA Board of Governors recently announced that student-athlete eligibility will be extended to allow middle-aged men who are still “young at heart” to continue to peak in college. To do so, the NCAA is expanding college football rosters both physically and aged-ly, as the age cap for athlete eligibility will be extended from a maximum ‘5th year’ to ‘28th year’ student-athletes.

UWPD Announces Real Life Paw Patrol

November 18, 2025 by Shady A.

This morning, UW Police Chief Barry Beans announced a new initiative to curb crime on campus: plans to introduce an elite task force of crime stoppers inspired by the hit film and television franchise Paw Patrol. Chief Beans says the inspiration behind this team emerged after watching Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie in 30 second increments on TikTok.

The Rapture Did Happen - But Only One Person Made it

November 13, 2025 by C.T.

This September, social media was abuzz with news of the rapture: the event signaling the return of Jesus and the ascension of true believers into heaven. For most, September 23rd came and went without any trumpets, ascended souls, or bearded men on white horses. While many took this as a sign that the rapture, in fact, did not occur at the predestined date, this was a misconception. Off Leash writer Gary King, who died last Monday due to a razor blade in a Snickers bar, went to heaven and secured an exclusive interview with the only person to be raptured. This not only surprised Christians around the world, but Off Leash members who were sure he was at most ending up in purgatory.

Concerning: Homeless Man on the Ave Clearly has a Poli-sci Degree

November 11, 2025 by C.T.

Nestled between blankets on the Ave, a living, breathing, and occasionally ranting emblem of the modern job market can be found. Local homeless man “Poli-Sci Pete” is 47 years old, unemployed, alcoholic–and a graduate of the University of Washington's political science Ph.D program. Poli-Sci Pete, who quickly became a campus celebrity following his discovery, has not been met with enthusiasm by all members of the student body.

UW Finds Exciting New Uses for Prison Labor

November 04, 2025 by Shady A.

Like many universities across the country, The University of Washington has used prison labor to construct its dorm room furniture for years. Historically the university has faced pushback for this, with critics referring to the practice as “legalized modern-day slavery,” “a prime example of the rot at the core of late stage capitalism,” and “bad.” Despite these objections, The University of Washington has shown no signs of stopping—in fact, recently leaked internal documents suggest that the UW plans to use prison labor in a variety of new and exciting ways.

UW Administration Says Mysterious Obelisk in Quad “Probably No Big Deal”

October 31, 2025 by Shady A.

Students at the University of Washington were surprised when they arrived on campus this Halloween and discovered that a towering black obelisk had appeared in the Quad seemingly overnight. While the obelisk was initially suspected to be some sort of extremely elaborate Halloween installation, confusion quickly turned to fear after a group of students touched the obelisk and were transmogrified into a variety of non-human entities, such as a swarm of bats, a bipedal fish creature, and a sad-seeming raincloud.

New UW President Robert J. Jones Pledges to Mail Predecessor Pipe Bomb

October 21, 2025 by Mady B.

As of the beginning of the 2025 school year, Robert J. Jones officially took over as University President and finally replaced Ana Marie Cauce. This change was quite anticipated, as the University of Washington has announced and advertised and manifested Jones’ acceptance of the position for over a year now. Some students were concerned that she might’ve never let go of her cushy position and obscene mini-mansion, but those concerns have been put to rest following her live-streamed eviction, where the UWPD discovered her camping in Paccar hall after a student reported hearing “off-putting sneezing.” She has since been expelled from campus for good.

Opinion: You Should Feed the Rats

October 17, 2025 by A.D.

You should feed the rats. You should feed them Spicy Tofu Banh Mi from District Market Alder.

Caleb “Big Dumper” Raleigh Offered Extended Contract for Huge Ass

October 15, 2025 by V.B.

Seattle sports fans have been happier than ever lately as the Mariners have been having a record breaking 2025 season. After winning the American League West Division Title, baseball fans everywhere have their eyes on the Mariners as they prepare to take on the Toronto Blue Jays – and not just for the love of the game.

Cure for Autism Leaves UW Engineering Department in Chaos

October 07, 2025 by Anna V.

Last Monday, the tape worm roosting inside RFK Jr’s skull made a startling announcement. The cure for autism had been found: a reduced form of Vitamin B9, known as ‘Leucovorin’. While the actual evidence linking it to autism is sparing, it just so happens to be a favorite food of the tape worms which RFK Jr. is definitely not putting into public water systems.

Increasing Rates of Unique, Quirky, and Generally Esoteric Individuals Takes the UW by Storm

October 02, 2025 by A.S.

With a campus boasting over 50,000 students, professors, researchers, and fentanyl users, the University of Washington is easily one of the most diverse campuses in the United States. With this diversity comes a great deal of benefits, such as the free exchange of academic and social ideas on campus and the readily-available variety of skillsets that have been integral to our research and university development, but it also comes with drawbacks: namely, the ethnic food they serve at Center Table, white people claiming to be 4.6% French/8.5% Northern Italian/3.3% Irish/83.6% WASP, and the ever-increasing pandemic of individuality complexes sweeping across the wannabe liberal elites of Seattle: university students.

Tiger King Spotted in Red Square

April 29, 2025 by B.H.

Students at the University of Washington have reported an increase in sightings of the “Tiger King” on campus recently. Researchers from the Department of Criminal Zoology have speculated that the reason for the increase in appearances is due to the recent “False Spring” stretches of sunshine in Seattle, which brings out tiger prey such as mice and meerkats.

UW Counseling Center Recommends Binge Drinking

April 23, 2025 by Shady A.

Have you ever been unable to get out of bed in the morning due to the crushing weight of existence? Does nothing truly make you happy anymore? Do you crank it to Zootopia futanari at 3:00 A.M just to feel the briefest of dopamine releases? We’ve all been there before, but according to the UW Counselling Center, there may be a solution. Stop taking your antidepressants, stop going to therapy, and instead drink until your brain stops telling you to be sad.

Students Strip at Career Fair in Attempt to "Set Themselves Apart"

April 11, 2025 by T. L.

A new trend is developing at the University of Washington where students seeking jobs at internship and career fairs are stripping naked and running from booth to booth in the hopes that their act of nudity and public display will set them apart from other candidates.