Best aBest and Worse Places to Take a Fat Dump on Campusnd Worse Places to Take a Fat Dump on Campus
We at Off Leash News have put together a comprehensive, recently updated 2026 list of the best and worst places to take a duce on campus.
Read MoreUW Enters New Military Contract to Draft Underachieving Students
The University of Washington is known for its beautiful Washington campuses, strong contributions to global research, and its robust sports programs, which has made it an especially competitive university to gain an acceptance to. Despite these advantages, there are still a number of drawbacks, the most infamous among them being the extensive list of “weed-out” courses offered to the poor, poor first-year engineering and pre-health students.
Read MoreUW’s Spring Quarter Curriculum to Include Intro to Wasian Studies
As we all know, Wasians are seeing a massive cultural uprising in recent times. There are new Wasians popping up seemingly everyday, including prominent figures such as Olympic gold medalist Alyssa Liu, Heated Rivalry breakout star Hudson Williams, and Valorant players all across the nation. With this, hoards of white men have finally shifted from their controversial asian fetishes to brand-new, progressive Wasian fetishes. This has created a brand new cultural movement sure to change society as we know it, and the University of Washington has decided to spearhead this movement by introducing a brand new major, Wasian Studies.
Read MoreFrat President Tests the Limits of Unitary Executive Theory
Unitary executive theory is a controversial constitutional viewpoint advocated for by the likes of Dick Cheney and Steve Bannon, which posits that the office of the Presidency holds total, unchecked executive power. In recent weeks, this topic has been widely discussed due to the actions of Bryan Bryanson, president of the Beta Omega Beta fraternity.
Read MoreRate of Forbidden IMA Crushes Off the Charts
As University of Washington students find themselves balls deep in the school year, the IMA has seen a steady influx of people working out to relieve stress. Whether it’s people reluctantly maintaining that New Year’s Resolution or short guys trying to bulk, the Intramural Activities Building has become more crowded than ever. Unfortunately, with the increased crowds, there has also been an exponential increase in Forbidden IMA Crushes.
Read More“These Hands Don’t Haze,” says Frat Guys Who Mostly Use Other Body Parts
Last Wednesday, a fire alarm went off at the chapter house of Alpha Sigma Sugma fraternity, prompting a police investigation into the matter. There, body cam footage shows what appears to be a textbook example of hazing. Twenty-five pledges were found lying face-down in the basement and clad only in underwear, with a variety of cheeses, sausages, and other hors d'oeuvres tastefully arranged upon their bodies.
Read MoreUW Slaughterhouse Inspires Students to Take a More "Hands-On" Approach With Their Dining Plan
The UW farm has consistently provided some much-needed fresh produce to the markets and dining locations. Recently, it has performed so well that UW administration has decided to expand its operations beyond just produce. Please welcome UW’s new expansion to the UW Farm: the UW Slaughterhouse!
Read MoreUW Alerts Now Come With Estimate of How Horribly You’re Going to Die
In response to recent campus safety threats, UW Police chief Craig Wilson recently announced a heavily anticipated safety update to the UW Alert system: a new, easy-to-read indicator of how horribly you’re going to die after you’re shot, stabbed, or otherwise exploded by the identified threat. “We realized that there’s been a lot of unrest and uncertainty recently regarding campus security from students,” Craig said, “but rest assured, most threats will only result in a swift passing with minimal suffering. We wanted to give students that peace of mind.”
Read MoreMass Recall Issued: DUB Street Burgers’ DUB Sauce Found to Contain 'Excessive' Amounts of Husky Drool
Last Monday, HFS announced a mass recall of all “DUB Sauce” products on the DUB Street Burgers menu. These include favorites like the Classic DUB, the Noble Yet Misunderstood PB&J, and the Barbeque Burger Who Is Kind Of An Asshole. Students were left wondering what could have happened until this past Wednesday, when the FDA released an official report. As it turns out, DUB Sauce is made of actual Dubs—that is, his drool.
Read More45% of UW Student Population on Suicide Watch After Smiling Friends Cancellation
The Ancient Stoics believed that ekpyrosis, an ancient and divine fire, would engulf the universe. Norsemen died with weapons in hand so that they might rise again to fight in Ragnarok, the last battle. Aztec priests pulled the still beating hearts from captured warriors to prevent the end of time. Truly, Mankind has always been haunted by the inevitability of apocalypse.
Yet no prophet could have foreseen when the end would come, nor what form it would take. No great omens preceded its coming. On February 25th, 2026, there was no dramatic battle nor divine fire. The end of the world came not on the back of a falling star or the fang of a giant serpent. It was a whisper. A deadly proclamation.
“Smiling Friends” to End After Third Season
Read More“Don’t Worry About It” Says White House After Trump Vomits Swarm of Locusts During Presidents Day Speech
In the midst of his Presidents Day Address, failed casino magnate and current President Donald J. Trump suddenly unhinged his jaw in a snakelike fashion and vomited out thousands of locusts. The swarm proceeded to violently devour the White House Press Corps and seven Secret Service agents, but left President Trump untouched.
Read MoreMass Vomiting Reported on UW Campus as Boyfriends Serenade Girlfriends with Amateur Guitar
From Shakespeare’s romantic odes to Pitbull’s “International Love (ft. Chris Brown)”, love songs have long been a way of expressing devotion to one’s other half. Many young lovers continue this practice, but their attempts are often markedly elementary. Though potentially charming, the overestimation of talent and belief that all your girlfriend wants is a poor Eliott Smith cover for valentines has led to a notable rise in Guitar-Induced Vomiting Syndrome.
Read MoreNew Evidence Suggests that Posting Your S.O. on Valentine's Day is Linked to a 100% Chance of Breaking Up
To the dismay of couples everywhere this Tuesday, the CDC just announced new research declaring that posting your significant other on Valentine’s day leads to a staggering 100% chance of a devastating, messy, and gut-wrenching breakup.
Read MoreBinge Drinking on SSRIs Shown to "Not Even Be That Bad"
In a modern world full of stressors like imminent climate change, a rapidly collapsing economy, and that weird pain you have on your side, it is no wonder that 13% of Americans are currently prescribed SSRIs. SSRIs, or Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors, are common drugs that are used to treat anxiety, depression, and various other mental disorders. Generally, it is not recommended to combine alcohol and SSRIs, as there are many accompanying risks such as counteracting treatment, worsened side effects, and impaired judgement. Despite these considerations, however, many still choose to combine the two.
Read MoreUW Announces New AI Girlfriend Platform for CS Students
Shortly after announcing its groundbreaking AI platform Purple – short for Purple Nurple – the University of Washington has since announced an additional add-on to promote socializing, wellbeing, and the mental fortitude of computer science students: AI girlfriends in the beloved art style of soft-power anime.
Read MoreOpinion: We Should Be Arming the DM Cashiers
It’s an open secret that the UW District Markets are the perfect place to go to steal your mid-lecture drink. While I’ve legally been advised not to openly endorse this practice, shoplifting from the DM is an integral part of being a UW student. But with theft so rampant, something must be done so that the brave student cashiers don’t have to idly stand by as their hard-stocked goods are escorted out of the store without payment. Thus, I think we should start giving them guns.
Read More"Yaoi" Dominates Family Discussion During Holidays
Upon returning home for the winter holidays, UW student Shembert O’Malley made the tragic mistake of jokingly referencing yaoi at the dinner table. After Shembert’s refusal to answer questions like “what's yaoi?” and “are you learning Japanese?” and “why are you trying to hide under the table?” Shembert’s grandmother found the answers when she discovered yaoi.fandom.com.
Read MoreDemond Williams Jr. Entered the Wrong Portal and is Now Missing in Another Dimension
The last couple of weeks have been tough for Husky Football fans, as numerous players have entered the transfer portal to leave Seattle. The new year has seen heavy hitters like Adam Mohammed, Raiden Vines-Bright, and star quarterback Demond Williams Jr. setting their sights on other colleges. While Mohammed and Vines-Bright have successfully committed to other schools through the transfer portal, Williams Jr. has reportedly entered a multi-dimensional wormhole instead. He hasn’t been seen or heard from in over a week, and UWPD has put out a statement asking the public for help.
Read MoreUW Professor Employs Religious Guilt to Combat Cheating
With finals looming over the horizon, the professors of the University of Washington have once again begun their Sisyphian task of reiterating their anti-cheating policies despite knowing full well that the only student paying attention wasn’t going to cheat anyway. Math classes hardly need to worry about cheating, as there’s barely even time to solve the problems— let alone look them up– but with the breadth of subjects offered at the UW, it really is every professor for him/her/theirself.
Read MoreNCAA to Extend Eligibility to “28th Year” Student-Athletes
In a groundbreaking initiative, the NCAA Board of Governors recently announced that student-athlete eligibility will be extended to allow middle-aged men who are still “young at heart” to continue to peak in college. To do so, the NCAA is expanding college football rosters both physically and aged-ly, as the age cap for athlete eligibility will be extended from a maximum ‘5th year’ to ‘28th year’ student-athletes.
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