Last Wednesday, a fire alarm went off at the chapter house of Alpha Sigma Sugma fraternity, prompting a police investigation into the matter. There, body cam footage shows what appears to be a textbook example of hazing. Twenty-five pledges were found lying face-down in the basement and clad only in underwear, with a variety of cheeses, sausages, and other hors d'oeuvres tastefully arranged upon their bodies.

It’s an open secret that the UW District Markets are the perfect place to go to steal your mid-lecture drink. While I’ve legally been advised not to openly endorse this practice, shoplifting from the DM is an integral part of being a UW student. But with theft so rampant, something must be done so that the brave student cashiers don’t have to idly stand by as their hard-stocked goods are escorted out of the store without payment. Thus, I think we should start giving them guns. 

This September, social media was abuzz with news of the rapture: the event signaling the return of Jesus and the ascension of true believers into heaven. For most, September 23rd came and went without any trumpets, ascended souls, or bearded men on white horses. While many took this as a sign that the rapture, in fact, did not occur at the predestined date, this was a misconception. Off Leash writer Gary King, who died last Monday due to a razor blade in a Snickers bar, went to heaven and secured an exclusive interview with the only person to be raptured. This not only surprised Christians around the world, but Off Leash members who were sure he was at most ending up in purgatory.

Nestled between blankets on the Ave, a living, breathing, and occasionally ranting emblem of the modern job market can be found. Local homeless man “Poli-Sci Pete” is 47 years old, unemployed, alcoholic–and a graduate of the University of Washington's political science Ph.D program. Poli-Sci Pete, who quickly became a campus celebrity following his discovery, has not been met with enthusiasm by all members of the student body.