Caleb “Big Dumper” Raleigh Offered Extended Contract for Huge Ass

Seattle sports fans have been happier than ever lately as the Mariners have been having a record breaking 2025 season. After winning the American League West Division Title, baseball fans everywhere have their eyes on the Mariners as they prepare to take on the Toronto Blue Jays – and not just for the love of the game. 

Mariners star switch hitter and catcher Caleb “Big Dumper” Raleigh has received unintentional attention this season, not only as one of MLB’s most elite powerhouses, but also for the ‘Safeco Seat Cushion’ that carries him through home base: that’s right, his huge ass. Dumper’s nickname has become synonymous with clutch homers and brick-wall defense, and team executives have offered him an extended contract for the fans' blatant admiration of the player's powerful glutes. 

The contract extension includes not only a raise in salary, but also tightened uniform pants to show off Dumper’s finest asset and special ergonomic stools in the dugouts. 

While this deal was seen as high risk initially, coaches have been in contact with the U.S. Geological Survey, confirming that Dumper’s longtime stay with The Ms will not trigger Seattle's decades-due earthquake known as “The Big One.” T-mobile park has now officially been named a seismic-testing zone, but fans support shows that the changes are worth it to support the ‘full weight’ of Raleigh's presence, both physically and metaphorically.