Day Ruined: “Henry” Desecrates Another Building
Picture this. You are walking on the beautiful University Avenue, making your bouncyiful way up to beautiful, mesmerizing Cowen Park. It’s mid-October but somehow still a balmy 70 degrees and sunny. Life is good.
Then, like being pulled out of a peaceful slumber by your roommates singing along to Mystical, Magical in the shower, you see a flash of the ugliest color combination of Syphilis Orange and Male G-String Neon Green you’ve ever seen in your life. You immediately recognize the omen for what it is.
Another building has fallen victim to the tyranny which is the “artist” “Henry.” You aren’t completely surprised by this. It is, after all, a new age yoga studio of which all of the men possess the same (tastefully done) fledgling of a top bun on their about-to-ask-r/bald receding hairlines: the prime Henry audience.
Sure, sure, building owners can do anything they want to their own property, or whatever that old fart John Locke proclaimed. You, however, did not ask to be subjected to this on your otherwise stress-free walk on the Ave. As you stare into the beady eyes of Henry’s grotesque distortions of the animal kingdom, you hear a familiar, nasally voice approach you.
“God. I just love Henry.”
It’s an entirely unwelcome blast from the past – specifically from your one-quarter stint in the shall-not-be-named UW Japanese animation appreciation club. Those recruitment posters in the Kane Hall bathrooms were incredibly enticing though, I’ll give them that much. Mama likey.
You have only met one other person who did not actively despise Henry: your libertarian 37-year-old ex-coworker who got fired after using his work phone to ask Grok what kind of panties it was wearing. This other Henry lover is–somehow–an even worse person. After resigning in disgrace after attempting a coup d'etat in said Japanese animation club, this Henry lover (let’s call him Kenry) attempted to usurp the fencing club, the kendo club, the tea club, the American Student Dental Association, and even our beloved Off Leash News. His rampage finally ended after he sent a k-hole induced smail, AKA sexy-email, to Charles Odegaard's estranged nephew, which resulted in immediate expulsion. Looks like somebody didn’t read The Charliad, available through our newest magazine release!
Even after all that, Kenry still thinks you’re his pal. Sometimes you even feel bad for the little guy. The defeated, weak smile that he gives you after proclaiming his love for Henry tugs at your heart strings and for a moment you wonder if he’s really not all that bad. You smile back and as he walks away he says two final words to you:
“Nice tits.”