Like everyone else on this campus addicted to microtransactions, I really, really loved the addition of Lime scooters to Seattle. Despite my excitement, however, there’s always been something troubling me about these products. Each year that I expect my fears to be addressed in equipment upgrades, I'm continually disappointed.

Guys, let’s face it: in this day and age, it’s practically impossible to get a girlfriend. Our forefathers were able to get into a relationship just by being red-blooded, driven, masculine men, but nowadays girls need you to fit their overbearing standards, and something as innocent as alcoholism is suddenly an instantly disqualifying “ick.” Even worse, keen-eyed men have begun to realize that women of this day and age are increasingly rejecting the masculine ideal of the past for weaker, soy-guzzling insults to the male species, all because of frivolous reasons like “listening” and “taking showers.” Because of this, many men have begun to morph themselves into the only men women seem to tolerate—gay ones.