Mormon Missionaries Studied by UW Psychologists: “We’ve Never Seen Anyone This Gay Before”

Disclaimer: The Church of Latter Day Saints classifies the term ‘Mormon’ as derogatory, though it remains widely used. Off Leash News wants to clarify that our usage of the word is 100% intended as a slur. 

Last week, the UW Department of Psychology found themselves in possession of a pair of Mormon missionaries after they had followed a carefully laid trail of Dr. Pepper cream soda and gay porn magazines right into the lab of Dr. Peder Astey, Professor of Psychology. 

At first, they were placed in two different enclosures, but this was observed to cause significant separation anxiety. Away from one another, they spent their time plucking out chin hairs, pacing restlessly, and regurgitating and eating their own vomit. It is important to note that this separation period lasted only 15 minutes. 

After being reunited, the pair sat in silence with their foreheads pressed together for approximately 4 hours before returning to their normal behavior. Sex psychologists who sat down with the pair have since come back with shocking discoveries. 

These two young men, both BYU alumni, met just two months ago at the start of their mission. Since then, they have been inseparable. They accompany one another to the bathroom, and even hold each other’s genitalia when they urinate. When asked about this behavior, they simply said it was simply “common courtesy” to shake a friend’s penis after they’ve finished relieving themselves.

Additionally, the two have a nightly ritual of jerking off on opposite sides of their shared room while making intense eye contact. When asked if they consider this to be “homosexual behavior,” they said that they did not and claimed to be “very straight.” When exposed to images of naked women, one of them began sobbing uncontrollably, and the other began to projectile vomit. Images of naked men elicited a strikingly different reaction; both young men sat patiently in their seats and commented on the tasteful backdrops chosen to highlight the “virility” of the men featured in the nude photoshoots.

They claim this adverse reaction to the female form is because they are disgusted by the “sinfulness” of it. In fact, according to the Mormon religion, women are supposed to wear their “garments” (white underclothes which extend to the knees and elbows) at all times. 

Knowing the context of Mormonism might help the average reader understand these reactions. While it has garnered a large enough following to gain some legitimacy in the cultural zeitgeist, it is important to remember that this “religion” was created by Joseph Smith, a con-artist who also liked to diddle underage girls (including a fourteen year old who he had taken in as a “foster daughter”). After several failed cons which led to Smith’s arrest in 1826, he finally found some people stupid enough to fall for basically anything he said. Thus, the Mormon religion was born. 

“They see women as subhuman, meaning that any connection to one is not a ‘real’ partnership. In essence, their culture has made it impossible for them to be straight,” Dr. Peder Astey summarized his conclusions to an Off Leash Reporter. “Within the Mormon church, efforts to control women have instead resulted in turning all of their young men–pardon my French–‘gay as hell.’”

Recent Mormon scholars have been attempting to “‘de-homosexualize”’ the male youth by relaxing modesty standards, most notably in rolling out a new set of garments for women which allow for bare shoulders. Unfortunately, these efforts may be too little, too late—if anything, Mormon women have begun eye-balling each other with a renewed interest. Despite the tank-top wearing whores now walking the streets, Mormons are not getting any less gay.