Firecracker Unveils Controversial New Economic Model
Starting this quarter, the Husky Union Building’s beloved pan-Asian cuisine site Firecracker has moved away from the capitalistic business model in favor of communism. With this change, students will find that the jump in price between chicken and beef is no longer as dangerous for their financial stability. In fact, now that beef is no longer an extra $1.50, one might think the fruits of communism are boundless.
However, Firecracker's transition hasn’t been smooth. The visionary behind the change, Lenni N., was found dead in a ditch outside of the HUB after protesting UW’s treatment of student employees. His replacement, Stan Linn, allegedly requires all of his workers to read 10,000-word weekly emails. Furthermore, he has been known to force customers to read a 14-page pamphlet before ordering, which may also contribute to the line always being full.
Students such as Vic Timm have complained about other aspects of the customer service. “I tried to pay for my meal and they just took my wallet,” Timm claims. Others have been victim to similar attacks as Firecracker attempts to seize all private property. Unfortunately, for his criticism of Firecracker, Timm was sent to the UW Farm until graduation for “re-education.”
He joins other students who have angered Firecracker, such as those who protested the newly-imposed curfew. Instead of closing at 7:00 in the evening like most of its Husky Den comrades, Firecracker now closes at 3:00, much to the despair of many students who may have been expecting a succulent pan-Asian meal after their 2:30 class.
Inspired by Stan Linn’s success, Cantina democratically elected a new leader, Fido Lastro. He and Stan Linn have formed what they are now calling ‘the Firecracker Bloc.’ It is unknown how long this new regime will last, however, as agents from the UW Censorship and Internment Agency (CIA) have already attempted several times to suspend, expel, or otherwise “eradicate” Mr. Lastro and Mr. Linn.
The CIA are not the only ones attempting to sabotage the Bloc. Dub Street Burger and the newly-renamed Dawg Haus Pizza have formed a capitalist coalition, the New Alliance To Obliterate (Communism), or NATO. Both sides have been stockpiling arms, with weapons such as szechuan pepper spray and pipe bombs in preparation for a potential war.
Currently, the Firecracker Bloc and NATO have reached a stalemate. Both organizations cite “mutually assured destruction” as the reason for peace. In the meantime, students have received a UW Alert which recommends they avoid the Husky Den Food Court, as there are rumors of drool-related bioweapon development within Dub Street Burger’s kitchens.