New Bill to “Grind Trans Children into a Fine Paste” Proposed After Washington Voters Approve I-638
While MAGA saw losses in almost every part of the country last Tuesday, they found victory in what was once thought to be a liberal stronghold. As shocking as it may be, Washington State passed Initiative I-638, a controversial bill targeting trans children who play sports. It will require all girls to have their biological sex verified before they are able to participate in school sports. The initiative was championed by Let’s Go Washington, a conservative organization spearheaded by Maga Millionaire Brian Heyward. Heyward, a M*rmon hedge fund manager, has been reported to spend his days lurking in the sewer system and attempting to lure children into his lair with red balloons. His initiative was opposed by the Washington State Nurses Association, No Hate in Washington State, and Jesus Christ. Supporters of the bill included Child-Touchers of Washington State, TPUSA, Yes Hate in Washington State, and Adolf Hitler’s ghost.
The bill requires girls to undergo one of three tests to prove their biological sex. The first is an assessment of their reproductive anatomy, an invasive test which has never been required in sports physicals. It is unclear what exactly this test will entail, for example whether or not it will include an internal examination. To clarify, Off Leash News spoke with Dr. Pete File, who has been a doctor in Washington for twenty years, and on the sex offender registry for fifteen. Dr. File is the head of an organization which supports the new bill, Pediatricians Excited for Defending Original Sex, or PEDOS. Unfortunately, he was not able to clear this up, stating “I don’t know what sort of things they’ll let me do either, but boy, am I excited!” The Off Leash News reporter then took out a gun and shot him in the neck on instinct.
Off Leash News decided to seek interviews with school-aged trans athletes in Washington. The first location scouted was a middle school art teacher’s room during lunch. Atop what can only be described as a dragon’s horde of empty Danimals strawberry smoothie containers sat transgender pre-teen Niki L. When asked what they thought about I-638, they replied, “Sports? Ew.” They proceeded to open their laptop and play Osumania until the bell rang.
The Washington Interscholastic Athletic Association states that there are less than 10 trans athletes participating in school sports out of 1.2 million students state-wide, excluding Magic the Gathering tournament competitors. Still, supporters of the bill argue that trans athletes can have a devastating impact on young girls.
Local PTA mom, Ashleigh Button, claims that a trans athlete has ruined her daughter Chlamydia's life and future in cross country. Last year, she finished dead last in the State finals, actually breaking a new record for the slowest runner to ever compete. However, Ashehlyhy insists that this loss was because of the inclusion of a trans athlete on the other team.
“My baby pie was emotionally destroyed! How could my boogerschnitzel’s small, feminine frame compete with that brute’s throbbing, masculine chakra?” She cried, in a recent interview. Ahsheleee continues to fight for women’s rights, spending most weekends outside elementary school sports games yelling slurs at girls with pixie cuts.
Off Leash News later discovered that the transgender athlete who had competed against Chlamydia was actually assigned-female-at-birth trans boy Arden D., who had been forced to run in the women’s league after intense pressure from his community. “It sucks,” he says, “I thought I would win for sure, since I’ve been taking testosterone for years, but I still didn’t even make the top two.” He says he joined sports to make friends and build community outside of his DnD group. However, because of his trans identity, a group of mothers protest outside of the arena every time he plays. Arden, however, doesn’t mind. In fact, he likes to read the group’s Facebook posts calling him a “hulking masculine figure” and that he will “always be a man.”
For those not keen on letting Dr. File’s reanimated corpse into their children’s pants, there are also options to take a chromosome or hormone test. To check the efficacy of the hormone test, Off Leash News tried it out on their own members as well as members from the Daily. Unsurprisingly, members at Off Leash News displayed extremely high levels of testosterone, reflecting their primalistic sexual dominance. The soyboys at The Daily failed their test. Unfortunately, after the results became public, the prime alpha lionesses at Off Leash News were kicked off their competitive women’s beer-pong team.
Off Leash News decided to interview more school-aged trans athletes in Washington in the hopes of getting a wider range of voices. The search was moved to a Capitol Hill preschool which competes in national hopscotch tournaments.
The only reason there are separate boys’ and girls’ hopscotch teams is because local mother Kathy Venus demanded it. “Little boys have a natural assertiveness and power compared to a delicate girl’s sensibilities,” the self-declared feminist advocate stated. She continued, “some people might think that school sports are for ‘making friends’ or ‘having fun,’ but a little girl’s championship can be the deciding factor in whether she ends up as a successful businesswoman or a tweaked-out stripper.”
Boys’ coach Tommy Tambourine says that the school’s hopscotch division is set to undergo massive changes once I-638 takes effect. Currently, each pre-K athlete is required to fill out a Bio-social Sex, or B.S., Form, in order to determine which team they will play for. The B.S. Form comprises questions such as, “do you prefer baths or showers?” as well as a dinosaur identification section. The coaches then categorize the children using their B.S. form answers as well as physical features. A cis boy, Alex E., was sent to the girl’s team because he had blonde hair and “concerningly red cheeks, even for a girl.” After questioning the parents of the child hopscotchers, Off Leash discovered that 53% of the children were on the opposite gender’s team.
The same organization which wrote the initiative, Let’s Go Washington, is already drafting up an additional bill to grind trans children into a fine paste. Supporters say this will protect their children from the devious influence of boys with rosy cheeks and a gentle disposition. The bill, similar to the first, will only target trans girls. Advocates for NAMBLA (the North American Man Boy Love Association) have been hard at work to add genital checks for school age boys to the bill, but have been so far ignored, because Brain Heywood isn’t attracted to boys.
Off Leash News ended its search for the nine remaining trans athletes here, as all this talk of fine paste reminded us of Boba Up, which reminded us of actually good food, which made us hungry, so we went home.