Republicans Struggle to Find Path Forward After Midterms Loss

Following the staggering loss of both the House of Representatives and Senate in the 2026 midterm elections, many conservatives are beginning to search for a new figurehead to make a strong comeback in the 2028 elections. 

“In my mind, Trump is out,” says Richard “Dick” Ryder, Republican. At 54 years old, he’s willing to switch up on an 80 year old man he’s voted for three times over the embarrassing midterms that has been referred to online as a “blue tsunami.” Ryder asked if this was more liberal propaganda about global warming and rising ocean levels.

 “I was definitely going to vote for him a fourth time, but I have no confidence in him anymore. At this point in my life, I expect my 25-year-old son to fail his midterms, not my political party.”

When asked if this new reluctance was due to the president’s numerous sexual assault allegations, obvious insider trading, pointless war mongering, or overall shitty personality, he made sure to set the record straight.

“I’ve never seen this many non-white, non-male, LGBTQ politicians win their elections before in all my life,” he says, “and I blame Trump. I feel abandoned by my president.”

So, who are conservatives turning to after their politicians totally and hilariously botched their midterms, despite a $5,000 bribe to the American people?

One of the first qualities conservatives look for in a candidate is anyone with a history of aiding in the mistreatment of women. Meet an unexpected upcoming underdog for the conservative party: Christa Pike, notable hero and martyr for the antivaxx movement.

“She survived her lethal injections,” says Heidi Kay, 39. “I’m sorry to say that autistic children can’t say the same.”

Although presidential hopefuls Erika Kirk and Elon Musk show promise within the party, we suspect public trust in the Republicans won’t recover soon. As of now, it looks like the 2028 elections will be as blue as Trump’s balls in the years that Melania has stopped touching him.