New Evidence Suggests that Posting Your S.O. on Valentine's Day is Linked to a 100% Chance of Breaking Up
To the dismay of couples everywhere this Tuesday, the CDC just announced new research declaring that posting your significant other on Valentine’s day leads to a staggering 100% chance of a devastating, messy, and gut-wrenching breakup.
“We don’t really understand the mechanism quite yet,” a CDC representative shared with Off Leash News, “but our experiments support the long-standing hypothesis that once you announce to your friends and family that you have a Valentine, the universe will bend over backwards to sever that connection for good.” In addition, the CDC shared frightening data that suggested after the breakup, there is an additional 100% chance that all of your friends will earnestly ask you about your now ex-lover, and you will have to explain how it all fell apart so quickly.
“Even if it doesn’t happen right after, once you post that selfie together, it’s just a matter of time,” the CDC representative continued, “and our research shows that the longer it’s been since a post, the chances compound. If a couple has posted themselves for multiple years straight, then it could be a mere matter of moments before they snap.”
Luckily, there is some hope for those who’ve mistakenly gone through with this relationship-ruining action. According to the CDC website, Valentine’s posts that were hastily made at 3am on February 15th were half as likely to lead to a breakup, as well as posts that have a blank background with only a name and a heart emoji. “The more nonchalant and disaffected you appear, the more likely it is that your relationship will continue. In fact, posts that indicated either passing indifference or even loathing were positively correlated with relationship longevity.”
According to the research, the best thing to do for your relationship this Valentine’s day is to post a spite-filled rant about how love isn’t real and you’ll be taking a vow of celibacy and joining a monastery. “Public fights are highly encouraged,” the researcher added, “and the more dramatic you can make it, the better. Accusing your partner of cheating and having a second life and spouse in another country is just about the best thing you can do to ensure a life-long connection.” Thankfully, the CDC had encouraging news to conclude their report: “Even if you do break up, chances are the pain will be brief, as you likely won’t be getting into another relationship after fumbling that one.”
At press time, the CDC also released a companion paper detailing how drinking a whole handle of vodka alone on Valentine’s was a sign of high IQ, health, and being 6 '2'.