Mass Vomiting Reported on UW Campus as Boyfriends Serenade Girlfriends with Amateur Guitar
Valentine’s Day–a holiday full of romance, or for some, a shameless/shameful day of masturbation. Though not all that popular of a holiday at the University of Washington, there are some love birds who choose to celebrate their romance through charming dates and squishmallows. However, some of the more “artistically” inclined opt to celebrate through more personal dedications, like song.
From Shakespeare’s romantic odes to Pitbull’s “International Love (ft. Chris Brown)”, love songs have long been a way of expressing devotion to one’s other half. Many young lovers continue this practice, but their attempts are often markedly elementary. Though potentially charming, the overestimation of talent and belief that all your girlfriend wants is a poor Eliott Smith cover for valentines has led to a notable rise in Guitar-Induced Vomiting Syndrome.
Guitar-Induced Vomiting Syndrome, or GIVS, spikes during this time of year—and this year, University of Washington admins are trying to get ahead of the mess. They have implemented a guitar ban on campus for the month of February, with a more severe penalty if the guitar possessor is sat on the Quad on a beautiful sunny day. Carpeted areas will be heavily monitored and patrolled by aggressive Roombas that can swallow people if “push comes to shove,” says President Robert J. Jones.
Though many boyfriends are outraged by the perceived overreach of power and argue that this new policy is a direct violation of their right to self-expression, many girlfriends have been the silent leaders in the push to create these regulations.
"The first time it happened, I thought it was a fluke,” says one student who has been dating her boyfriend since her first year of college, “we were in his dorm and he started playing Please, Please, Please, Let Me Get What I Want by The Smiths. At first, I thought he was joking because the song is so unromantic. Then, once I realized how serious he was and also that this was the only gift that I would be getting, I felt this sudden urge to throw up everywhere. Within seconds, I just let it rip—I didn’t even make it to a trashcan. I told him it was because of the dining hall “Taco Tuesday”, but I knew the real cause.”
She also told us that it was after her boyfriend’s second attempt to serenade her, where she also vomited, she knew there needed to be a change. After confiding in friends, she found a support group of women that experienced similar circumstances. Following this revelation, these women have joined to form a rapidly growing coalition against boyfriend guitar serenades.
Upon learning how frequent this psychological torture method is unknowingly employed by their male partners, one woman in the coalition has found both relief in her found community and fear of how rampant the issue is. “You think it’s bad when it happens the first time, but when you find out that every man that has figured out the C and G chords on guitar tries to do this to you, the future starts looking bleak.”
We asked if her boyfriend was aware that she was a part of the movement to squash the guitar ballad epidemic. She told us, “I can’t tell him, it would crush him. He doesn’t understand that I’m doing this for us; if he plays guitar for me again this year, I honestly don’t think I can stay with him.”
These student advocates’ double lives are both admirable and distressing. Their hard work and activism have prevailed, even when at odds with those they love. This group of hardy ladies have, once again, shown how persistent straight women will be for a useless loser.