Shocking Reveal! While Awaiting Cease of Right-Wing Terrorist Threat, Congress Played “Spin the Bottle”

K.H.

Of what is sure to be but the first of 2021’s many crises, the attempted coup at the U.S. Capitol Building will inevitably go down as the most appalling. There is no doubt that the events on the sixth of January were the fruit of this nation’s ancient hypocrisy and indecency. However, there is also no doubt that said events paved the way for the most bountiful harvest of all: the realization of the long-germinating Congressional romance the American people have awaited.

As Trump supporters and Your-Aunt-Vanessa-Who-Never-Openly-Admitted-to-Supporting-Trump-But-Got-a-Little-Too-Quiet-After-Reading-UW’s-Racial-Demographics-When-You-Told-Her-Where-You-Go-to-School wreaked maskless havoc upon the Capitol’s intricate halls, a different sort of maskless havoc ensued in an undisclosed point of shelter in the Capitol building. When minutes of petrified silence melted into hours of boredom, one ballsy Texan devised a remedy: good ol’ fashioned high school party games. Though Senator Ted Cruz’s suggestion initially reads as a harmless enough way to pass the time, “it was actually kinda odd,” revealed Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. “I was sheltering in a secure location when Senator Cruz threw open the door with a bottle in his hand and a glimmer in his eye.” In an effort to avoid making things awkward for the remainder of their time in shelter, Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez agreed to humor him by playing games such as “Truth or Dare,” “Twenty Questions,” and “Spin the Bottle.”

However, Senator Cruz offered a slightly different account of his encounter with AOC: “I just happened to pop by. How could I have known that only two flights of stairs, one trip to the Senate Chamber to get my water bottle—because really, the peaceful protesters wouldn’t have laid a finger on me—and a sorta half-jog to the opposite end of the building separated me from my belov—I mean Representative Ocasio-Cortez?”

After what must have felt like decades of the Congresswoman’s deliberate under-rotation of Cruz’s sweaty bottle and dodging of nineteen salacious questions (the twentieth being a question regarding Ocasio-Cortez’s citizenship status), the Senator finally resigned from his pursuits. Dejected and defeated, he turned on his SnapMap location for Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell with the plea: “bitches gmfu. come thru 😤🙏”. 

He arrived in a matter of seconds.

“Well, you see,” reported McConnell’, “when your colleague is in trouble, you’ve got to have his back. I was able to get to my Teddy Bear so quickly due in part to my godlike physique, but also to my ability to walk straight through the gathering of peaceful protesters. They worship me.” According to the pair, the obscure nickname assigned to Senator Ted Cruz by Senator McConnell was a natural consequence of the sparks that flew that fateful January afternoon.

Much like the smoke and gunfire blazing above, things got hot and things got treasonous. “Between rounds of the uncomfortably juvenile party games, they’d whisper things to each other like, ‘I think it’s so fuckin’ hot that you hate minorities as much as I do, babe,’ and, ‘maybe Obergefell v. Hodges wasn’t such a bad thing after all,” divulged Representative Ocasio-Cortez, who bore unfortunate witness to All of That.