“These Hands Don’t Haze,” says Frat Guys Who Mostly Use Other Body Parts

Last Wednesday, a fire alarm went off at the chapter house of Alpha Sigma Sugma fraternity, prompting a police investigation into the matter. There, body cam footage shows what appears to be a textbook example of hazing. Twenty-five pledges were found lying face-down in the basement and clad only in underwear, with a variety of cheeses, sausages, and other hors d'oeuvres tastefully arranged upon their bodies.

While currently under IFC investigation, the members of Alpha Sigma Sugma fraternity released a statement: “These hands don’t haze.” While this statement was met with incredulity from the university community, Off Leash News was able to obtain an exclusive interview with a pledge, who asked to remain anonymous, in a shocking, tell-all expose.

“They didn’t use their hands all that much actually.” said Jonathan Yu, pledging member of Alpha Sugs. “They were too busy rubbing against us with their other body parts, if you know what I mean. I know they’re supposed to be hazing us and everything, but it seemed like they were a little too into it. I can understand being spanked, or forced to strip, but the butterfly kisses and long, soulful looks into our eyes were a bit unnecessary. Hell, I didn’t even know what frotting was until I joined Alpha Sugs.”

Gary Anderson, pledge master of Alpha Sigma Sugma, went on record saying “Look, what we did may have crossed a line. But you need to see this from our perspective. None of the sororities will hang out with us since Nolan threw up on those Chi O’s at the Dinosaurs and Sluts mixer. We’re hurting over here, and some of these pledges are very lithe and supple. You can’t blame a starving man when he eats a piece of cake that’s been sitting right next to him. Besides, when twenty guys are sleeping in the same room, shenanigans are bound to ensue.”

Shockingly, in addition to being forced to make passionate love with their pledgemaster, these poor boys were forced to engage in humiliating and potentially harmful activities for the better part of three months. Among other inhumane activities, pledges were forced to volunteer at local soup kitchens, enroll in a gender studies class, help senior citizens cross the street, and memorize a song about the myriad of ways to take care of a feline companion. These activities were apparently done to increase their empathy towards their fellow man and turn them into studious, productive members of society. Now that they’re safe from this treatment, they’re free to day drink and apply for construction management majors to their heart’s content.