Rate of Forbidden IMA Crushes Off the Charts

As University of Washington students find themselves balls deep in the school year, the IMA has seen a steady influx of people working out to relieve stress. Whether it’s people reluctantly maintaining that New Year’s Resolution or short guys trying to bulk, the Intramural Activities Building has become more crowded than ever. Unfortunately, with the increased crowds, there has also been an exponential increase in Forbidden IMA Crushes.  

You see, Forbidden IMA Crushes are strictly off-limits. These crushes are the kind of people you glance at between sets, or the kind of people you make eye contact with while doing your butterfly stretches. Forbidden IMA Crushes smile at you with more kindness than other crushes. They understand you just by looking at you. You can tell they’re into you too, because surely they didn’t glance at you by accident. Surely they can’t tell you’re staring at them, and surely you aren’t making them feel deeply uncomfortable. For a Forbidden IMA Crush to work, it’s important that you never talk to them. Interactions between you and your new eye candy are strictly limited to wondering what could’ve been. 

This has been a particularly troubling time for gym members, as there are more potential Forbidden IMA Crushes working out than ever before. IMA users can expect to run into a different “Most Beautiful Person They’ve Ever Seen” every single day. In fact, the IMA Forbidden Crush Index (IMAFCI) has been overloaded for multiple weeks now. Talk about gym motivation.

“People at the IMA are more attractive than ever before,” says Dr. Jim Membership, director of UW’s Department of Inexcusable and Prohibited Desire. “As a result, IMAFCI has been useless for multiple weeks. The amount of forbiddenly beautiful people at the IMA is simply off the charts and impossible to contain.”

But why exactly are Forbidden IMA Crushes even forbidden? It’s because you don’t have the guts to talk to them. So quick, turn up your horny Arctic Monkeys music and get back to your next set.