UW Administration Says Mysterious Obelisk in Quad “Probably No Big Deal”

Students at the University of Washington were surprised when they arrived on campus this Halloween and discovered that a towering black obelisk had appeared in the Quad seemingly overnight. While the obelisk was initially suspected to be some sort of extremely elaborate Halloween installation, confusion quickly turned to fear after a group of students touched the obelisk and were transmogrified into a variety of non-human entities, such as a swarm of bats, a bipedal fish creature, and a sad-seeming raincloud.

Despite its terrifying effects, some have welcomed the obelisk with open arms. UW’s resident malignant debating presence Quad Man quickly set up with a sign that read “The Obelisk is Good, Change my Mind”, before touching the obelisk himself and being transformed into an extremely sweaty ape-like creature. Our sources tell us he now resides in the UW Primate Research Center.

UW leadership has also taken some action, sending out a campus-wide email that said “try not to touch the obelisk and you’ll probably be fine,” and “there's no reason to view it as a serious threat.” The UWPD has also stationed two officers near the obelisk in an effort to ward people away—however, this has not been successful as the officers have spent nearly all their time at work playing Subway Surfers instead.

Simply not touching the obelisk is also not as easy as it may sound. UW students have said the obelisk “emits a sharp stabbing sensation in my brain that only calms as I get closer to it” and “appears to me in my dreams, beckoning me to be closer to it, to be a part of it.” When asked for a comment, UW leadership sent us an email stating “OMG, calm down, why are you guys so weird? It's just a 3000 foot obelisk.”

Scientists have identified some additional concerns. After identifying a recent transmission coming from the obelisk, they have translated a cryptic message: “Leave now. This is your final warning. This place is our domain. You do not belong here. If you choose to stay you will be transformed into a crude creature who will reside in the Lake of Black Bile.”

UW has responded to this report by saying they will not be cancelling classes and revealed the plan to build a new Marine Sciences building by the forthcoming Lake of Black Bile. HFS has since released an accompanying statement that “former students who live in the Lake of Black Bile will be required to pay the university for room and board, like anyone else who lives on campus.”