New UW President Robert J. Jones Pledges to Mail Predecessor Pipe Bomb

As of the beginning of the 2025 school year, Robert J. Jones officially took over as University President and finally replaced Ana Marie Cauce. This change was quite anticipated, as the University of Washington has announced and advertised and manifested Jones’ acceptance of the position for over a year now. Some students were concerned that she might’ve never let go of her cushy position and obscene mini-mansion, but those concerns have been put to rest following her live-streamed eviction, where the UWPD discovered her camping in Paccar hall after a student reported hearing “off-putting sneezing.” She has since been expelled from campus for good.

However, new concerns have been emerging over the unfamiliar figurehead. He’s a black man, which is the opposite of a white woman, which ultimately implies a separation from the less favorable policies of Cauce. This theory, while desirable, has not proved credible and has led to calls for Jones to distance himself from Cauce’s monkey torture labs and Boeing’s Cock and Ball Torture Internship Opportunity for UW Students only. 

Jones, out of concern for his reputation and stressed by the death threats he’s received from ‘lone wolf’ 17-year-old freshmen, has made moves to assure all students that he is a centrist who will protect the right wing, but to a lesser extent than Cauce did. Continuing with this commitment, he has taken a pledge to mail her a pipe bomb, which would be constructed with recycled plastic and eco-friendly gunpowder and assembled by Jones himself, to emphasize a hands-on approach to his new role. He has confirmed that Cauce would not be informed of the bomb and would ideally die so as to sever any soul ties between the two.

At a press conference in regards to this decision, an audience member asked what Jones would do if the bomb failed to explode Cauce to Ana Maries. After a moment of serious contemplation, he announced that he would have to lace her shit to finish the job. These statements solidify his resolution to fulfill the duties of his post, and have since soothed discourse over his appointment. 

If Cauce survives these termination efforts, Off Leash News will personally intervene. To help us, remember to apply as a writer or artist through our website!