UW Alerts Now Come With Estimate of How Horribly You’re Going to Die

In response to recent campus safety threats, UW Police chief Craig Wilson recently announced a heavily anticipated safety update to the UW Alert system: a new, easy-to-read indicator of how horribly you’re going to die after you’re shot, stabbed, or otherwise exploded by the identified threat. “We realized that there’s been a lot of unrest and uncertainty recently regarding campus security from students,” Craig said, “but rest assured, most threats will only result in a swift passing with minimal suffering. We wanted to give students that peace of mind.” 

After objections were raised on social media about the ethicality of these measures, UWPD defended its upgrades as necessary to give students information about whether or not they have enough time to draft a will before succumbing to blood loss, or to give a realistic estimate of the time a student has for last words. “We here at UWPD really value student health,” a representative for UWPD told Off Leash, “and we hope our 1-10 ranking system takes the stress out of wondering if a threat will kill you painlessly, or if you’ll be in excruciating agony before kicking the bucket.”

For students who don’t immediately see the utility, UWPD has gathered glowing testimonials from several students involved in test cases.  “I was really on the fence about how well this system would work, but it was more useful than I could imagine,” UW PD’s AI reconstruction of recently passed Comp Sci Senior Jake Henderson told Off Leash, “I was so scared that the bomb threat was going to kill me in some horrible way, but thanks to the new alerts, I was so relieved to learn my proximity to the impending blast would decapitate me instantly—talk about a weight off my shoulders!” One student added on the back of the napkin they used to create a rudimentary last will and testament that the new alerts were “useful” and that they would “definitely use the service again.” According to one UWPD officer on the scene of a fatal mass shooting, one charitable student told them that they wanted their tombstone to read “5 stars for excellent accuracy, I died just like the alerts said!” along with a QR code to UWPD’s hiring page.

At press time, the new UW alert system was briefly taken offline after displaying glitched messages that some students would barely survive a threat. “Clearly these messages are errors that can be easily corrected,” Craig Wilson told Off Leash, “students barely clinging to life would mean that we’re not doing enough to minimize student suffering, and rest assured we are always committed to meeting that goal.” After the system was back online just in time for a fatal biochemical leak in Bagley Hall, the displayed severity of 7 was met with applause online for being significantly less painful than having to take a chem final.