Mass Recall Issued: DUB Street Burgers’ DUB Sauce Revealed to be Dubs’ Drool
Last Monday, HFS announced a mass recall of all “DUB Sauce” products on the DUB Street Burgers menu. These include favorites like the Classic DUB, the Noble Yet Misunderstood PB&J, and the Barbeque Burger Who Is Kind Of An Asshole. Students were left wondering what could have happened until this past Wednesday, when the FDA released an official report.
As it turns out, DUB Sauce is made of actual Dubs—that is, his drool. Dave Fleischman, a former employee of DUB Street who asked to remain anonymous, shared some trade secrets in a letter to Off Leash once the investigation ceased. Apparently, the drool was collected during a single incident in 1907 and had been aged in barrels since.
Fleischman says, “The story goes that Fran Farrell, the owner of Dubs VI, used to let him lick her mouth. The strangest thing is, she said it tasted good.” He continues, “When the Great Squirrel Plague hit Seattle, when swarms of squirrels descended upon the bird feeders of Seattle and covered all the ground until it was black, Dubs sat at the window and released vat upon vat of drool. Fran, prodigal daughter she was, collected that drool and served it to her friends and family the following day disguised as sauce on their burgers. They loved it, and thus ‘Dubs Sauce’ was born.”
It was six months ago that the barrels ran out. DUB Street corporate, forced to find an alternate solution, turned to Dubs’ current owners, Marsha and Brent Saunders, for help. Marsha noticed that, "whenever Dubs gets excited about something, whether that be his favorite ball, a trip to the park, or the crippling debt UW students face, he drools, like, a lot.” The couple devised a solution for collecting the drool: they would put a bucket under Dubs’ head and coo trigger words such as “Cauce,” “treat,” and “Boeing”. This method yielded a shocking amount of drool, but some found the practice controversial.
One such critic is Kathy Palmer, a student at UW who went vegan after the FDA’s press release. “I've never had a problem with eating animal products before, even knowing the horrible practices of the industry,” she confessed to Off Leash. “But now..." she trailed off, a haunted look in her eyes. A single tear fell down her cheek before she continued,: “I just keep thinking about that poor dehydrated dog. And all those trigger words with no proper reward… that’s just plain animal abuse. These people deserve to be locked up”.
After the reserves ran out and DUB Street made the switch, loyal customers immediately noticed a change in taste. One such customer was John Barker, 74. “I am seventy-four goddamn years old,” he professed to Off Leash this morning, “and until the change, I ate at DUB Street every afternoon. I noticed the second they switched the recipe.” When asked whether he knew DUB Sauce was dog drool, he responded, “Of course, I knew the whole time! I just don’t know why they had to ruin such a good thing.”
UW researchers are currently attempting to isolate the chemical compounds found in the original DUB Sauce in hopes of synthesizing an ethical replacement. In fact, it was revealed in UW’s most recent quarterly budget report, all DEI funding has been shifted to this research to compensate. In the meantime, DUB Street suggests that impatient customers spice up the burgers with their own bodily fluids.