UW Recommends Stepping Into Giant Meat Grinder After Graduating
In response to many seniors lamenting the lack of job opportunities and steep costs of living after graduation, UW president Robert J. Jones announced earlier today that UW is offering a new, streamlined solution to students who are unsure about their future.
“Because of the bleak financial situation at hand for many students, we wanted to make sure there was a convenient way for students to have next-steps with a certain, timely outcome,” Jones began the announcement, “ with that said, we are proud to announce that our world-class engineering department has finally developed an aerospace-grade full titanium Meat Grinder with full accommodating capacity for the 2026 graduating class.”
Many responded with skepticism online after the plan to thresh graduating students into a fine paste en masse was revealed, but HFS executive director Josh Gana pushed back on the criticism, stating that with UW’s deep historical involvement in extinguishing lives, that the giant meat grinder will be fully effective in pulverizing each and every CS major without a FAANG internship several times over.
“Here at UW, there’s a deep commitment to giving back to the community—and for those who are afraid they will forever be too financially burdened to donate to the university as an alumni, I’m sure being able to opt into our new Ground Meat™ post-grad option will give students peace of mind that they’ll provide for future generations. Contribution comes in all different forms, and ultimately being on a dining hall’s menu is just as important as being named after one. And believe us, we fully understand the worth that these students serve in being the future patties in the beloved Husky Combo, and we will continue to have our record high prices out of respect for our amuse-bouche alumni.”
The meat grinder will reportedly be unveiled at the upcoming Commencement ceremony, where seniors will be able to say both farewell to their undergraduate years as well as their hopes and dreams for the rest of their lives, and from then on be swiftly broken down by their surroundings into a completely unrecognizable form—whether or not they choose to step into the meat grinder.