UW Announces “Suzzallo Just Looks Like That Now”

Suzzallo Library has served as a famous landmark of the UW Seattle campus. Its neo-gothic design attracts Harry Potter fans and Disney adults from across the Pacific Northwest alike, creating a petri dish of millennial rot and embellishing the campus in the process.

It’s well-known that Suzzallo has been under construction for about 12 years, with visible scaffolding completely obscuring the view. However, the UW administration announced a major stylistic change this weekend that may make people think twice about visiting. Project Manager Hammy Wilde stated this past Sunday that, due to Trump Administration Budget cuts, “Suzzallo just looks like that now.” Alongside the swanky permanent look, Wilde also said he will be losing half of his staff, along with his tenure, his firstborn, and his beloved dog Coco. 

In a recent press talk, President Robert J. Jones put on a smile and declared, “it’s not that bad!” He continued to point out that Suzzallo would fit right in, becoming just as gray and joyless as its brutalist foil Kane Hall. Spectators of Jones’ speech reported seeing a glowing red dot fixed on his neck. 

We reached out to Students for Suzzallo, a new movement dedicated to preserving the building’s historical legacy, for comment. Leader Cathy Mitchell, who asked to remain anonymous, asserted that Red Square is “ugly as fuck” and that “it’s a Soviet parking lot covered in shaving cream and sadness.” She continued by stating “it’s surrounded by ominous concrete buildings that look like your first Minecraft build. And not only that, but it’s dangerous too. Fourteen of our members have been accidentally curb-stomped by skater bois high on whip-its.” 

Another member Brody Morter, who also asked to remain anonymous, claimed that Suzzallo’s design saved his life after he got lost in Red Square on his first day. “I was wandering for what felt like days looking for Meany Hall. I knew it was there somewhere, but all I could find were these big-ass parking decks dotting endless stretches of humming silence,” he stated. He found escape only after spotting Suzzallo in the distance. “It was like a neo-gothic light guiding me to salvation,” he continued, “so the new concept worries me—it spells disaster for incoming students who could now be trapped in that hellscape forever.”

We reached out to Library Director Adrien Laszlo for comment, but he just replied with an AI-generated response with the prompt still included: "Generate a fuck you reply to this stupid email from the stupid newspaper for stupid people.”