Opinion: I Want a Fucking Trick This Halloween

October 31, 2024 by T. L.

Halloween is my favorite holiday. It has been since I was a wee lad, dressing up as Obi-Wan Kenobi or a zombie that one time. I was never into candy that much, but I was obsessed with the pageantry of Halloween. I’ve never been so into fashion than when I’m picking out my costume. That zombie costume I mentioned was actually really cool; we burned the edges of my t-shirt, spread charcoal stains on my jacket, and bloodied my face with some blood we found in our backyard. One year I was a hobo, which you can’t do anymore because of the woke left, but I embodied what it meant to be a homeless man as a 10-year old because we were living in a simpler time. I’m not even gonna talk about the time I was a princess.

UW Unveils New Scholarship for Sex Offenders

October 29, 2024 by Julia D.

If everything else fails, one thing remains true: University of Washington will never be outdone by Washington State University. Not in academics, not in location, not in football unless you count those times that were fake anyways, and certainly not in sexually offending students. Therefore, when Washington State came under fire in mid-September for allowing a level three sex offender to attend classes, University of Washington administration knew it had to do something.

UW to Host Career Layoff Fairs to Prepare Students for Tough Job Market

October 25, 2024 by Mady B.

Career fairs have taken the job market by storm, revolutionizing how students think about career networking. The University of Washington touts numerous patterns where these fairs can be discovered, including a unique section on the platform Handshake. On the ground, though, the situation is dire. There are far too few recruiters and too many attendees. Third-year comp science student, Michael Bayely, described his concerns over having attended so many career fairs to middling results.

Former President Trump Announces Sexy Calendar Shoot to Combat National Debt

October 23, 2024 by A.S.

If you’ve ever wanted to see how Senator Romney loosens up during his visits to Miami, or what Representative Boebert wishes she wore while at the movie theater, you’re in luck.

Obituary: The Story of My Life Has Ended Abruptly

October 18, 2024 by Off Leash News

News broke Wednesday, October 16 that One Direction “star” Liam Payne has died after falling from a Buenos Aires balcony, much to the dismay of many fans. The “singer” was reportedly behaving erratically and was believed to be under the influence of drugs and alcohol.

Opinion: I Know When the Big One's Coming

October 16, 2024 by Nissa S.

First things first, I’m really fucking smart. I got a 1420 on my SAT’s when I was a junior in high school, and Harvard just about got down on their knees and sucked whatever I’ve got down there just to beg me to come to them. But lucky for you guys, I chose the University of Washington in good ol’ Seattle, because somebody’s gotta tell those dusty seismo-nerds jacking it to little heart monitor scribbles when they need to ditch the “Drop. Cover. And Hold On.”

Crushes Return as Classes Resume, to the Dismay of Many

October 08, 2024 by Julia D.

As the school year opens, so do many hearts, and also many legs. This can be fine, especially with those who are okay bumping uglies and then never seeing their ugly bumping partner again, however not everyone can be that emotionally unavailable and unafraid to stare down the looming monster known as chlamydia. And God knows that for every unabashed slut roaming UDistrict, there’s a hopeless romantic with misguided trust sitting at home. Or at a bar.

As Election Nears, UW to Offer AimLab Class

October 04, 2024 by Mady B.

After over nearly a century of brewing Second Amendment tensions, Americans have cultivated a reputation for being gun-loving freedom whores armed with military-grade assault rifles. In recent years though, something else has become clear. Maybe it’s not reallythat surprising we got our asses kicked in Vietnam. Clearly none of you bitches can shoot a gun.

School is Back, Give Me Adderall Now!

October 01, 2024 by Isaac B.

FWOC. (First Week of Class, for any losers.) A time honored tradition. The only time when it really does seem like 40,000 students go to this school, because somehow every single one of them has managed to get in my way today.

2024 Commencement Canceled Because F*** You, That’s Why

May 31, 2024 by Lucy I.

In a somewhat shocking announcement this morning, the Office of Ceremonies has stated that 2024 Annual Commencement ceremonies across all departments, including The Big One, will be canceled, though the reason behind this decision remains unclear to the public. In an email sent to all students, faculty, and staff, the Office of Ceremonies also included a link to a file titled “womp_womp.mp3,” which, predictably, was an audio recording of a melancholy trombone sound.

UW Alumni Association Adopts Kinky Fundraising Strategy

May 21, 2024 by Blake J.

The UW Alumni Association, UWAA (not to be confused with UW Alcoholics Anonymous – also commonly referred to as Off Leash News) is one of the great benefits of being a member of the UW Dawg Pack. The association gives UW Alumni the opportunity to add people you don’t know on Linkedin, see people make six figures working at Amazon right out of college while you are stuck working as a barista, and check up on the guy you hooked up with two years ago.

“Nothing to See Here” says Administration About Completely Empty Campus

May 15, 2024 by T. L.

The University of Washington administration is having a great week. The campus is looking beautiful in its spring greenery and students are super engaged and excited to learn. The administration wants to assure everyone that everything is fine and normal and that nothing is going on out of the ordinary.

Boeing Named Title Sponsor of Montlake Cut

May 07, 2024 by T. L.

The Washington based aviation company, Boeing, has been in the news recently for all of the wrong reasons. From doors flying off their airplanes, maybe definitely killing whistleblowers, and a bunch of other stuff that I don’t want to research, the company’s public image is in a complete free fall. Curiously, however, the University of Washington, this past Monday, named Boeing as the title sponsor of the popular swimming spot and also crew racing course, the Montlake Cut.

Students to be Fined for Disparaging UW in Front of Tour Groups

April 30, 2024 by Lucy I.

On Tuesday, the University of Washington’s Office of Admissions announced its plans to begin distributing fines of up to $500 to students heard speaking negatively about any physical or metaphysical thing associated with the UW in front of tour groups. This decision comes after an unusually high number of admitted students electing to attend other universities in 2024.

Remembering UW's Forgotten Mascot, Alan

April 25, 2024 by N.A.

For many years, both football fans and students alike have adored anthropomorphic mascot Harry the Husky. With his bombastic attitude, cheeky smile, and muscular physique, he truly lights up the stadium and brings it home every time he runs onto the field. But even the most studious college football scholars may not remember Harry the Husky’s whimsical companion: his human handler, Alan.

META to Debut Entirely New Line of Credit: Your Dignity

April 23, 2024 by C.H.

Sometimes, especially as a college student, you might find yourself eagerly anticipating your next paycheck. Worry not! META has a new solution for you- and all you have to do is sign over your dignity.

UWPD Apprehends Dangerous Student Criminal

April 18, 2024 by J.Z.

Last night, UWPD apprehended a long-term target the organization had been chasing for months. The department is “more than pleased” with the outcome of this case, and wants to let UW students know that the campus is in “good hands.”

All ASUW Election Candidates Old as Shit

April 16, 2024 by Julia D.

With the promise of adding New York Times Games subscriptions for all and Cooking subscriptions for the lucky, UW students are paying attention to the ASUW election for the first time ever. Well, except for poli-sci majors who fervently masturbate to C-SPAN. They’ve been voting in these for a while.

Obituary: The Juice is Uhhhhh

April 12, 2024 by Blake J.

Orenthal James Simpson, more commonly known as OJ Simpson or “The Juice,” passed away on April 11, 2024. A statement released from OJ’s family relieved that The Juice had passed due to complications with prostate cancer. As with many events surrounding OJ’s life, there appear to be details that are unclear with the situation at hand.

Rainier Vista Skyline Blocked Behind Paywall

April 11, 2024 by N.A.

This past Monday, students at the University of Washington were surprised to see an opaque glass barrier hanging in mid-air across the Rainier vista. The glass barrier appears to have been strategically placed to block the sight of Mt. Rainier from every angle, with no evidence of construction having undergone beforehand. When Off Leash News reached out to the University for an explanation, we were told that the view of the mountain will now be locked behind a paywall.