Best aBest and Worse Places to Take a Fat Dump on Campusnd Worse Places to Take a Fat Dump on Campus
As a reward for slamming your Classical Mythology in Film midterm, you got yourself a 12-ounce hot oat latte from Oak District Market Husky Grind Cafe. Mmmmmm. How delicious. How toasty. What expertly steamed oat milk micro-foam. Oh? But what’s this? The sudden and unrelenting need to shit?
You return to your dorm to find, in a classic turn of events, the bathroom occupied by a clustermate of yours taking her sweet time on her seven-step skincare routine. She’s even listening to the sweet serenades of her favorite K-pop boyband, completely unaware that homegirl needs to shit – and asap too. So, you leave to use McMahon’s communal bathrooms in the lobby. The elevator stops on each floor, but it’s okay since you’re nearly towards the finish line and your sphincter can hold out just a bit longer.
Oh? The women’s bathroom is closed for cleaning?
You must quickly think of the best options to turn to, which is hard to do since half of your brain is currently being used to not shit yourself. If only you had an official list to turn to in your time of need…
Worry not! We at Off Leash News have put together a comprehensive, recently updated 2026 list of the best and worst places to take a duce on campus. Our best include:
1. Center Table Gender Neutral Bathrooms
On my first day at UW, I, a doe-eyed freshman, was completely gobsmacked by the beauty of the Center Table Gender Neutral Bathrooms. Perfect privacy, no gaps, sturdy locks, and discreet vents. This amazement was soon interrupted when I opened a green “unoccupied” door handle only to find some poor soul cowering at the horror of her realization that she forgot to lock it. Despite this terrible first impression, Center Table remains the premier location for shit-taking on campus. There used to be a stall, the third one to the left, that had wonderful graffiti scribbled all over the door. It was my favorite. Custodial staff have since removed the vulgar yet inspiring graffiti, so that knocks a couple points off for them.
2. Suzzallo Women’s Bathroom
Somewhat controversial take, but I just absolutely adore the separate hot and cold water taps. It makes me feel like I’m in Great Britain. “Oh, cheerio!” “Detective Barnaby, we just have to save Midsommar County from the evil murderer!” I think to myself as I swing my hands back and forth from the cold and hot water taps.
3. Interdisciplinary Engineering Building
Only, of course, if you don’t actually use the designated bathrooms.
And the worst places…
1. Kane Hall Bathrooms
I can only surmise what it’s like to defecate in the Kane Hall Bathrooms, as I’m certainly not one of those people who actually do. Every time I would rush to the women's bathroom on the second floor in my measly four minute break to take a fat and desperate piss, I’d be greeted by the all-too-familiar smell of Shit Stank without fail. Kane Hall seems to me the worst possible place on campus to take a shit, or do anything for that matter. It’s incredibly busy and the gaps in the stalls are gigantic. Plus, it’s just generally a precarious situation. One time I was taking a piss in a Kane Hall stall when suddenly the stall opened fourth on impact of another stall slamming shut. That remains to be one of the more humiliating moments in my life.
2. Gowen Hall
Speaking of precarious stalls! The state of the Gowen stalls frankly appalls me! I will not elaborate.
3. Paccar Hall
Like most non-evil people, I try my best to avoid Paccar Hall. But, for whatever small miracle (or curse) that I somehow land in Paccar Hall, I avoid the bathrooms like the plague. Paccar Hall ranks one of the worst due mostly to the horrible positioning of the handicap stall, which is in the dead center of the bathroom, facing towards the entirety of all the poor souls that must similarly relieve themselves. To make matters worse, the gap is absolutely herculean and positioned in front of the toilet, giving anyone who walks into the bathroom a very, very clear view of anyone using it. Considering the proximity of Orin’s Place Cafe, Paccar Hall really ought to have better equipped bathrooms.
In conclusion, shit on the lawn of the IEB building.