UW Enters New Military Contract to Draft Underachieving Students

The University of Washington is known for its beautiful Washington campuses, strong contributions to global research, and its robust sports programs, which has made it an especially competitive university to gain an acceptance to. Despite these advantages, there are still a number of drawbacks, the most infamous among them being the extensive list of “weed-out” courses offered to the poor, poor first-year engineering and pre-health students. 

Traditionally, these courses have been designed to be especially challenging to the average student as a method to glean an individual’s aptitude towards a certain subject. While these practices have been met with a stream of critique, ranging from ethical concerns to questions on objectivity to being “stupid as shit,” the nature of these courses have undoubtedly inspired students to work harder academically. However, following an internal review of student performances from Autumn and Winter quarter, it has become apparent to UW administration that students needed a new incentive. 

“We’ve tried everything. We set the average grade in classes to be 1.7, we organize the classes so that exams don’t line up with course material, and we only let professors have office hours in between the hours of 3:27AM to 6:12AM. Nothing seemed to be working until we received the email from the United States Armed Forces,” university spokesperson Mary Manroe said in a public statement that preceded the official announcement of the new university policy. 

Starting this quarter, underachieving students, as defined as those with less than a 1.9 GPA, will be automatically considered and signed up for the draft.

“If your GPA is between 2.0 and 1.9, you’ll only be subject to preexisting policies on academic probation,” undergraduate advisor Braden Cooper reassures students. “We understand that this is a new policy, which is why we wanted to provide students some grace. However, we still want to stress the importance of academic performance on our campuses. If your GPA falls below a 1.9, you’re getting drafted, put on academic probation, and you owe me five bucks.” 

Opinions amongst the university community have, unsurprisingly, been largely skewed towards the negative.

“I think this is a terrible idea,” says Stuart Reges, Professor at the Paul Allen School of Computer Science and Engineering, “if you start drafting our young men into the military because of poor academic performance, our department will have no choice but to finally reach a 50/50 split of men and women in computing, and while I acknowledge that women can code, often I find that they don’t want to, and they’re going to start dropping out of the program like flies. If that happens, who’s going to be cleaning Boeing’s toilets?” 

Dr. Reges’ concerns were quickly alleviated upon learning that most computer science students wouldn’t meet the fitness requirements to be drafted. He has since amended his statement, stating that he was in full support of the program and that it would “light a fire under the pussies’ britches.” 

While the majority of students and faculty have been strongly against the new policy, a vocal minority are just as vehement about expressing their support. 

“I’m actually looking forward to this,” says Amari Khan, a third-year student enrolled in ROTC. “I’m gonna have to join the military after college either way. All these other bums didn’t even get their tuition paid for.”

Many students who were similarly optimistic about this policy were those on pre-professional tracks, citing reasons such as “eliminating the competition” and “keeping the intellectual purity of medicine/law/dentistry/veterinary sciences/pharmacy intact” as compelling reasons.

“Honestly, things are better like this,” reflects fourth-year pre-law student Walter Hummington III, “my girlfriend is also pre-law, even though I told her that she can’t be doing all that if she wanted me to propose when we graduated. I know her GPA has to be low because she spends all her time doing useless shit like volunteering at the animal shelter and working at a nonprofit youth outreach program, and she’s majoring in Fashion Merchandising of all things. It’s going to really suck when she gets drafted, though.”

While this new policy continues to be heavily debated on Reddit and YikYak, new rumors have emerged stating that university administration will begin airdropping students with GPAs lower than 1.5 straight into an active war zone. To those who may fall under that category, we at Off Leash News absolutely do not endorse googling what “fragging” means.