UW Mandates Students to “Give Facism a Chance”

The University of Washington has recently been under fire for not only platforming yet another far-right dipshit at an event hosted by the wounded but not dead Turning Point USA, but also sending UWPD in to arrest a counter protestor.  

In a bold move, the University of Washington has doubled down in response to these complaints. Last night, the university sent out a campus wide email, which read:

“Hello Huskies, or should we say Cuckskies, we heard you guys ‘don’t like facism’ and ‘think people should have rights.’ Well think again, you fucking nerds. From now on we demand that all UW students give facism a fair chance. We will be adding a mandatory module to Canvas that will require all students to watch 15 hours of right-wing chads dunking on woke snowflakes in college campus debates. You will also be required to complete a project promoting right wing values, either in the form of campaigning for a Republican politician, producing AI generated Charlie Kirk videos, or going on a date with a guy who uses 4Chan.

Go Huskies!”

We spoke to University of Washington President Robert Jones about the controversial new initiative, but no matter what question we asked he would only respond with the phrase “the marketplace of ideas.” Eventually, Jones refused to acknowledge our questions altogether and instead practiced his impression of Stewie from Family Guy in the corner of his office.

We also spoke to UW Police Chief Hogg Oinkswell, who was surprised by the backlash. “I was shocked. I thought people loved police overreach, and at first I thought they were mad we didn’t go far enough. God knows I wanted to deploy tear gas.” After the mention of tear gas, Chief Oinkswell stared off into the distance while smiling for some time. 

Despite his initial disappointment, Chief Oinkswell expressed his excitement about the new initiative. “I just can’t tolerate any more of this nonsense about protecting and serving. I became a cop so I could beat up hippies like my father before me and I think students ought to respect that decision,” he said.

The mandatory module is set to be posted on Canvas later this week. While UW administration has not officially announced what the consequences for not completing it will be, early reports suggest they are leaning towards sending disobedient students to Guantanamo Bay.