Cyclist Gang Seizes Control of Burke-Gilman Trail

Earlier this Tuesday, the Burke-Gilman Trail was swarmed by a mob of millennial cyclists proclaiming they had seized the university segment using guerrilla military tactics and were declaring it a new nation free from pedestrians. Analysts are calling it the largest regime change seen on campus since the Silverfish Uprising of Haggett Hall, which ended only after a peace offering of a dozen sacrificial freshmen and a pinky promise from then-president Ana Marie Cauce that she would (maybe) consider divesting from Boeing to said silverfish. 

Leader of the newly materialized Cyclist Mob political party, Linda Mayweather, was seen strangling a goose who wandered too close to the territory when Off Leash approached her for comment. “We’ve been forced into demeaning reflective gear and to ring these gay little bells for years,” she commented. “We’re done conforming—never again will we be forced to pretend we don’t want to mow down every student and pathetic individual too broke to afford so much as training wheels.” She later re-iterated that entry into the Cyclandic Nation was only permissible with registered ownership of a pedal-operated vehicle, and that all unwise enough to bring in a scooter would be put to death by a flattening squad of the nation’s cardio grandmas. 

UW admin has responded to the seizure by stating that the nation’s bike-chains of oppression will not be tolerated. “We are committed to returning the area back to their rightful and original owners before this illegal breach of sovereignty: our shareholders,” an email from UW’s Board of Regents read, “here’s your message with a more tactful and professional edge, as an AI assistant I can also make it long-winded, add a sob-inducing apology at the end, or make it spicy 😉,” the rest of the message read. President Robert J. Jones also weighed in on the new nation, claiming that sending in UWPD was strictly off the table, and that “using force is always our last resort, unless in extreme circumstances like peaceful student protests or someone bringing a drum to a TPUSA rally.” 

Negotiations for the dissolution of the trail nation had begun shortly after the first jogger was taken captive. Potential stipulations included the option for residents of the nation to be compensated for a new Mad Max movie to be filmed on-location, and an agreement for cyclists to be shielded from legal scrutiny to the same degree as fraternities.