Frat President Tests the Limits of Unitary Executive Theory

Unitary executive theory is a controversial constitutional viewpoint advocated for by the likes of Dick Cheney and Steve Bannon, which posits that the office of the Presidency holds total, unchecked executive power. In recent weeks, this topic has been widely discussed due to the actions of Bryan Bryanson, president of the Beta Omega Beta fraternity.

After removing all other fraternity officers, Bryanson has enacted several confusing and potentially illegal moves, such as kidnapping rival fraternity president Mikolas Naduro and levying tariffs against the UW Pokemon Club. Bryanson has been unable to explain what tariffs against a club focused on a Japanese trading card game would look like. 

In a particularly controversial move, Bryanson has required all prospective fraternity members to serve a tour in the United States’ war with Iran. Bryanson claims this will “improve the masculine energy of the frat.” In pursuit of this goal, Bryanson has also banned women from attending fraternity parties because, quote, “we’re really focused on maintaining our rock hard heterosexual masculinity.”

Bryanson has also used his executive powers to establish FUTANARI (Fraternity Union To Address Necessary Apparent Rebudgeting Interests,) an independent organization run by Bryanson’s 27 year old cousin Daryl that ostensibly exists to find more efficient uses for fraternity funds.

There are, however, allegations that FUTANARI is not actually trying to increase efficiency. These claims suggest that Daryl has actually been using FUTANARI to embezzle fraternity funds, which he uses to fund his business that resells Zyns to 7th graders.

Bryanson and Daryl have faced widespread condemnation, with experts referring to their actions as “brazenly illegal,” “emblematic of the downfall of democracy,” and “not chill.” We reached out to Bryanson for comment and were told by his office that he is too busy watching clips of Suits on YouTube shorts to respond at this time.