I Downloaded Grindr to Find a Girlfriend: Here’s What I’ve Learned

Guys, let’s face it: in this day and age, it’s practically impossible to get a girlfriend. Our forefathers were able to get into a relationship just by being red-blooded, driven, masculine men, but nowadays girls need you to fit their overbearing standards, and something as innocent as alcoholism is suddenly an instantly disqualifying “ick.” Even worse, keen-eyed men have begun to realize that women of this day and age are increasingly rejecting the masculine ideal of the past for weaker, soy-guzzling insults to the male species, all because of frivolous reasons like “listening” and “taking showers.” Because of this, many men have begun to morph themselves into the only men women seem to tolerate—gay ones. 

Women now have all the choice in the world. Gone are the days where stomaching a single Clairo album could get you a girlfriend; now Slayyyter tickets are sold out everywhere in hopes that it’ll prevent women from keeping a 50ft distance from you at all times. But even at the beginning of my rainbowpilled awakening, it wasn’t enough—any woman who walked past my apartment was too busy being glued to their Heated Rivalry to notice my Zara Larsson doormat. Thinking about all the men who were gayer than me getting all the action I’d never see marked the most depressing time of my life… until I realized I hadn’t gone far enough. The most proactive guys were reading Judith Butler, but no one I knew had gone to the source to get a girlfriend: Grindr.

It was a treacherous journey. Upon downloading the app, I was stunned to see how many women were online—but I knew trying to message them would be a grave mistake. They’d immediately sniff out how straight I was and get me banned from the platform just for reaching out, since clearly they had stationed themselves there to prevent operations like my own from succeeding. I was also stunned to see the range of profiles in front of me.Instead of the neatly positioned pictures I expected, most were random shirtless pictures with the head cropped out or only a 1/4th of a guy’s face taking up the entire profile—could it be that there were other straight guys already here with the same goal? 

Sure enough, after just a few moments of scrolling, I found a guy with the name “str8 masc.” I was worried that it could be another trap, but after reaching out he assured me that he was, indeed, just as straight as I was. I decided that in order to most effectively strategize with a like-minded guy, we should meet up as soon as possible to discuss, and he agreed to host our meeting at his apartment. Upon arriving, I was stunned to see that he was taking his pants off, but I quickly realized that he was truly several steps ahead of me: we had no idea about the kind of surveillance operations that could be running to weed out straight men like us, and of course this method to fool these systems would require acting techniques more sophisticated than the rest of the competition. After our meeting concluded, we continued to meet several times a week to hold ourselves accountable in making ourselves as desirable as possible to women.

After a year, the results are dramatic. Me and str8 masc, who lets me call him Gabriel during our meetings, have forged an incredible alliance. In addition to our weekly method acting sessions, we realized that in order to guarantee getting a girlfriend we’d need to practice mock dates to ensure we’d never fumble an opportunity in the future. With the steep financial obligation put on men these days to provide for women, we’ve also been looking into broadening our alliance into a strategic jointly-taxed arrangement (“marriage,” in laymen’s terms) as well as discussing the kinds of decorations that could serve as cover to officiate such a partnership. Some weaker men may be too scared to take the plunge into gaymaxxing for a girlfriend, but I have zero regrets about the community building with fellow brave straight soldiers I’ve done since downloading Grindr. I used to be hopeless, but now I’m in the best position I’ve ever been in to get a girlfriend once and for all… eventually.