Palantir Technology Implemented into MyPlan Registrar

In an attempt to assist with student complaints regarding class and room registration, UWIT has gone ahead and added an extension of the AI-powered surveillance system, Palantir, into MyPlan. Starting next year, students will be required to upload a photo of their driver’s license with a matching birth certificate in order to continue to use MyPlan and attend UW. 

Students will also be required to register all of their devices in their MyPlan account, for more seamless “Wifi access.” Under the terms of this registration, Palantir will have access to all registered device activity, and the capacity to use AI to track and label “potential offenders” and send UWPD to their location to preemptively quell sentiments of “dangerous opposition.” 

Aligning with point #7 summarizing The Technological Republic, “If a U.S. Marine asks for a better rifle, we should build it; and the same goes for software,” UWPD will also be granted better firepower to supplement their general incompetence and cowardice. 

Additionally, to deal with abrasive Greek life events on campus, Palantir will bug houses on Greek Row. Following prolonged auditory disruption or implications of hazing incidents, offenders will immediately be taken into custody of ICE and deported to Greece, but only the poor inland parts.

With Palantir, class registration and Greek row parties at 3AM will be a thing of the past! The AI systems will funnel Keyword:Woke students into gender and race studies classes, and fast track business and engineering majors to a speedy graduation to better serve the needs of Blackrock and Lockheed Martin. All according to point #21 summarizing The Technological Republic, “some cultures have produced vital advances; others remain dysfunctional and regressive.”