NCAA to Extend Eligibility to “28th Year” Student-Athletes

In a groundbreaking initiative, the NCAA Board of Governors recently announced that student-athlete eligibility will be extended to allow middle-aged men who are still “young at heart” to continue to peak in college. To do so, the NCAA is expanding college football rosters both physically and aged-ly, as the age cap for athlete eligibility will be extended from a maximum ‘5th year’ to ‘28th year’ student-athletes. 

Upon hearing the news, and accompanied by a BIG10 budget, Husky football head coach Jedd Fisch tells the press that this will be crucial for Washington’s current 6-3 season. While the current roster of college-aged players are enjoying their BIG10 budget gear packages, many state confusion about grocery-store-mobility-scooters replacing their typical student-athlete death machines—Electric Scooters. While the Dawg Pack will certainly miss almost being run over by the athletes on their way to the District Market, football's athletic trainer Vincent Smitt says that the mobility scooters will be more beneficial for the new recruits’ “aching knees.” Fisch, in agreement, goes on to claim that their knees are actually beneficial, as the new athletes claim to be able to communicate plays on the field just by “feeling it in their joints.”

While most of those on the Washington Athletics Board of Directors initially hesitated on allowing the 40 year olds to stiff-arm the class of 2030, the board, who also seem to be hung up on their prime, ultimately ruled in favor under the proclamation that “you never ‘age out’ of Big Penix Energy.” The University will be incorporating new majors for the athletes, such as, “The Finances of Avoiding Child Support” and “Thermostat Regulation Sciences.”

The NCAA’s decision is shaping up to be an unprecedented, if unconventional, game changer for college athletics. As coaches like Jedd Fisch embrace the potential of DILFS, college football could be poised for a new era of seasoned athletes.

Following the projected success of this initiative, the  Panhellenic governing board is currently voting to allow the athletes to rush fraternities alongside the class of 2031.