UWPD Announces Real Life Paw Patrol

This morning, UW Police Chief Barry Beans announced a new initiative to curb crime on campus: plans to introduce an elite task force of crime stoppers inspired by the hit film and television franchise Paw Patrol. Chief Beans says the inspiration behind this team emerged after watching Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie in 30 second increments on TikTok.

Despite his enthusiasm, Chief Bean’s plan has already run into several problems. His initial idea, which was to simply hire the real Paw Patrol, was stymied by the revelation that they are, in fact, cartoons. This came as a shock to Beans, who told us “after learning that those guys–those heroes–weren’t real I almost retired from policing altogether. Instead I sat alone in my office with all the lights off and sobbed for hours.”

The UWPD has also failed to recruit real dog and UW mascot Dubs to serve as an ambassador for the initiative. I, yes I, personally asked Dubs why he had refused to provide his coveted endorsement, but did not receive an answer. It turns out dogs don’t speak English. Or any language, for that matter.

Despite growing doubts about this initiative among his police force, Chief Barry Beans has remained resolute and recently gave a speech in which he said “all great things require sacrifice. Do you think landing on the moon was easy? Do you think creating the polio vaccine was a walk in the park? Do you think Adventure City just saved itself from the dastardly Humdinger? No, the Paw Patrol saved Adventure City from the dastardly Humdinger.” He continued with a shockingly detailed shot-for-shot description of Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie, which took seven hours to complete.

The most recent press release from Chief Beans claims he intends to have his Paw Patrol up and running within the next month. However, sources within UW leadership tell us they have fired Chief Beans and have since been attempting to remove him from the premises to no avail. Sources state that he is currently hiding in the police station's walls, only leaving to steal Paw Patrol popsicles from the office freezer.