The Rapture Did Happen - But Only One Person Made it

This September, social media was abuzz with news of the rapture: the event signaling the return of Jesus and the ascension of true believers into heaven. For most, September 23rd came and went without any trumpets, ascended souls, or bearded men on white horses. While many took this as a sign that the rapture, in fact, did not occur at the predestined date, this was a misconception. Off Leash writer Gary King, who died last Monday due to a razor blade in a Snickers bar, went to heaven and secured an exclusive interview with the only person to be raptured. This not only surprised Christians around the world, but Off Leash members who were sure he was at most ending up in purgatory.

The raptured man is 37-year-old Gregory Adams, former Cincinnati local, chronic masturbator, and mega-fan of the hit Disney movie Zootopia. He has seldom left his bedroom—the attic of his parent’s house—since his high school graduation. He spent the remainder of his days playing ranked League of Legends and firing off blanks to Judy Hopps Blender porn.

In an effort to figure out how Adams made the cut to sit at the right hand of the father in eternal glory, Off Leash consulted with our on site theological scholar. “Because Adams has done absolutely nothing with his life,” says biblical expert John Collins, “he has also done nothing wrong in his life. His existence was akin to keeping a monk trapped in a featureless room. We would assume that he would’ve gotten nailed with the sin of sloth, but since he had no useful skills to transfer his time and energy to, the best-case scenario for his life was to interact with as few people as possible.”

While “wasting one’s seed on the ground” is indeed a biblical sin, there was no hope that Adams would’ve ever procreated with a woman in the first place, creating a loophole just wide enough for him to slip past St. Peter. As for the rest of his behavior, we consulted with a local priest who said that “while Gregory’s behavior is certainly odd, it’s not a sin.”

When asked to comment on his unique situation, Adams said, “I have to say, I’m a little disappointed. I’m still waiting on those 72 virgins I was promised.”