We’re at the end of another very successful quarter here at the University of Washington. All of us here at Off Leash News want to thank our most loyal readers and offer some spring break tips before we embark on our adventures.
Read MoreA report released yesterday by UW Police has announced that an accident at the Odegaard undergraduate gloryhole has injured a student and created a rift in space and time that has replaced what used to be a staple of hookup culture on campus with a cosmic disturbance that may pose a threat to your safety if you get too close.
Read MoreThe odds of you having ever been crazy enough to try the fruits at HFS is not high. But if you have tried the “blackberries” at places like Center Table, you may have noticed that they don’t resemble berries so much as endangered fuzzy caterpillars from the Amazon.
Read MoreLocal middle school bully Ivan Flynn has become the first person in the United States to publicly side with Russia in their invasion of Ukraine: “He wants it, so he’s taking it. Isn’t that what we’re supposed to do?”
Read MoreIn an effort to aid student health and well-being, the School of Environmental and Forest Sciences announced the first annual “Touching Grass” event in collaboration with the Foster School of Business. Non Refundable tickets are available online for $50 and the event will be held virtually.
Read MoreWe are all tired of this technocratic dictatorship that has loomed over us our entire lives. There’s always an “expert” on TV or on the news telling us what we can and cannot do; what is “legal” and “illegal.” These disgusting little “scientists” have perverted and soiled safe and healthy activities for no good reason other than to control us.
Read MoreIt happens every time. I’m walking to classes, minding my own business when over the horizon I see it. Fully erect, cut at the tip and usually dripping wet from the early morning mist, it is there. The obelisk.
Read MoreIn an attempt to increase her relatability and goodwill with students, President Ana Mari Cauce has announced her decision to permanently change her title from president to principal. She has already started implementing measures to match her new image such as daily morning announcements and wearing super loose skinny jeans.
Read MoreUW freshman, Noah Johnson, felt deep regret after buying a box of thirty-six condoms at the beginning of the year, thinking he would be having a lot more sex than he currently is. Johnson bought the condoms at the University District Target in late September…
Read MoreAs UW continues the gradual reopening of campus they have sent out various emails to update the student body. One such email came from the office of the registrar, informing students that since class will be in-person for the foreseeable future, they will begin charging full tuition again.
Read MoreThe university’s health center, notorious for great advice like “go ask your other doctor” and “fix your chapped lips by licking them” has come up with yet another sensational idea to combat declining student mental health: group therapy.
Read MoreLocal student Vin Myers has been confirmed as homosexual after hugging his friend for 3.8 seconds, 0.4 seconds past the legal limit for straight men. While Off Leash analysts initially thought Myers could have been operating under special circumstances allowing him to extend the length of the hug (return from military duty, BAC over 0.25), we found no evidence for this. The only conclusion? Vin Myers is a flaming homosexual and wants the world to know it.
Read MoreThe President of the Delta Gamma Kappa Purity Fraternity may have another accomplishment to add to his resume before graduating. Conner Cole, a UW senior, never thought he would be making history this quarter.. However, after testing positive for Covid at the end of Fall quarter, Cole has a chance to set the world COVID infection record with an unprecedented fifth positive test result.
Read MoreDear UW Community,
It’s back. Mmm, that sinking feeling in your stomach, not knowing when the next time is that you’re going to leave the house. Yeah, I bet you like it, you’re gonna go back to being a disgusting little gremlin that never exercises and eats like a child of divorce whose parents aren’t around. You told your psychiatrist to lower the dosage on your meds? GO BACK. DOUBLE THEM. God, you'd better, you sickening, sickening person.
Read MoreWith the reintroduction of remote learning this quarter, you would assume that students would find themselves disoriented socially, and struggling to transition into online school again. However, this week the UW Counseling Center impressed the local student body by adding 8 new fidget toys into the center’s waiting room.
Read MoreWhile news headlines recently were dominated by word of QAnon crusaders flocking to Dallas, TX to witness the second coming of Our Lord and Savior John F. Kennedy Jr., the University District has been just as shocked by the congregation of the same group to our beloved campus in hopes of another notable presidential return.
Read MoreAnti-abortion protestors have frequented Red Square in an attempt to persuade pro-choicers with images of the little red goblin shrimp fresh out of your 9 hour old pad. To everyone’s shock and dismay, these efforts have been mostly ineffective.
Read MoreThis past Saturday, all hell broke loose on Greek row sans any reason at all. Street signs were stolen, fire alarms were pulled, scooters were trashed, and pedestrians were hazed in the “highly contentious” background of week 8. When asked about the current state of affairs on Greek row, local frat boy Chad Fratington panicked and hurled his iPhone 12 across the street shouting “AAhh! I dunno! I dunno! I dunno!”
Read MoreA tantrum broke out at the Burke museum this past week, as local paleontologist Greg Polinsky began destroying dinosaur fossils in a fit of passion. “I DON’T WANNA PLAY WITH DINOSAURS ANYMORE” yelled the 56 year old, smashing a baseball bat into the skull of a Spinosaurus. Fragments of glass and fossilized bone spewed over the floor.
Read MoreIt is accepted among students and faculty that Smith Hall is much like a day-old banana, pretty on the outside, a post-apocalyptic war zone on the inside. The 10:30 Philosophy 101 quiz section is currently being held atop a loose floorboard suspended over a gaping hole in the floor of Smith 217. There is a rabid raccoon-bat infestation on the third floor. Not raccoons and bats, this is a new species entirely. And yes it has rabies.
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