Fall 2021 Deemed “Super Regular Quarter”

After six consecutive “extraordinary circumstances” quarters, the Office of the Provost has designated this Fall 2021 quarter as a “regular chill quarter where everything is super normal and fine.” This was announced in an email blast that also mentioned the bomb cyclone warning, a raise in tuition, and the third armed robbery of the week. To get a sense of where the administration was coming from, we sat down with members of the committee behind this decision…

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Student Satisfaction Soars to 8% After UW Returns to In-Person Classes

In a recent poll conducted by the Department of Statistics, student satisfaction soared to 8% after sitting comfortably at 2% since COVID-19 hit campus (Note: 2% margin of error). The University of Washington has returned to in-person classes after a year and a half of online school, and students are happier than ever. Awkwardly avoiding eye contact with strangers on the street has returned, friends that weren’t quite close enough to ignore social distancing guidelines have reunited, and professors’ endlessly recycled jokes have been totally killing it.

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UW Tries Students but Don’t University: Tragic

Sunday that when the Student goes to the HUB. It keeps the student try to go. This problem is very much there. Because there are student, they and the University are on Sunday when that happened. This is why:

Every time student go to the HUB it try to University too. But why? This is because that when University go, student go too. This is very sad. Faculty at UW try too. But fail. Unfortunately, this is at a heavy price but also when midterm yesterday and the other but behind in the but here’s the thing: mother’s folder in the orientation. But when. When? And why? Help me.

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Where Dreams Go to Slowly Die: School of Art Lowers Graduation Requirements Due to Derivative Capstone Submissions

Off Leash Newsroom

The school of art + art history + design has recently announced that, effective immediately, senior capstones are no longer required for those who intend to graduate with a concentration in photo/media. The email announcing this change went on to say that students may actually be penalized for sending in capstones and that they "might just send you to fishery sciences or something idk."

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Student Overpopulation Study: By 2064 UW Will Form Writhing Mass Ball of Undergraduates

Off Leash Newsroom

If you’ve tried to get food on campus you’ve seen it: lines and lines of students. This Fall quarter, campus has seen more lines than a frat house coffee table. The recent increase in student population is not a new phenomenon; between 1854 and 1889, the UW student population increased from 30 students to 300.

If this data is correct, then UW undoubtedly increases its student population by tenfold every 35 years. This means that by 1924, the UW should have had 3,000 students. By 1959, 30,000. This brings us to today, wherein the University of Washington has 2,314,286 students on campus.

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UW Apologizes For Failing To Create An Unhealthily Competitive Environment In ASUW Elections

Off Leash Newsroom

The University of Washington expressed guilt in a statement this morning regarding the recent controversy surrounding the Daily’s coverage of ASUW elections. As President Ana Marie Cauce expressed:

“We were appalled to hear that the ASUW elections were being run uncontested. We try our best to create a toxic learning environment, where students are forced to give up their hopes and dreams due to fierce competition.”

Cauce concluded the email by stating that “The University of…

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Top 10 Ways I Used Dubs’ Death To Get Out of Online Classes

Off Leash Newsroom

Let’s face it: a beloved mascot dying is nothing to joke about. Dubs was not only a symbol of school pride for many, but a relief from the everyday stresses of undergraduate life.

Like many of you, when Dubs died I was super excited at the possibilities this situation presented. Being in online classes can get so boring and I really don’t want to go to them. So in honor of Dubs I made a list of 10 ways that I have (and you should) use his euthanization as a means to get out of zoom, and be happier because of it.

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UW Fraternities Face Minimal Repercussions After Synthesizing Mustard Gas, Violating 1993 Chemical Weapons Convention

Off Leash Newsroom

Several University of Washington Fraternities were thrust into the hot seat this past Monday after reports arose of sulfur-based biochemical warfare agents being released during a hotboxing event. UW Administration was quick to react, stating that there would be measures taken to prevent future injuries.

“We really mean it this time,” said an anonymous faculty member. “If this happens again, we are going to get super mad.” This…

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UW Students Strike, Refuse to Pay Full Tuition

Off Leash Newsroom

This Valentine’s Day Weekend, UW students came together to demand kinder treatment from their beloved institution. Rather than sending their tuition checks as usual, students will be mailing in homemade coupons for various romantic gifts and activities.

Strike leader Hart Smith (’22) commented that “We all love the University of Washington. But sometimes, we feel like the University of Washington doesn’t love us.” Smith then raised a protest sign that read “We Accept the Love We Think We Deserve,” and marched off to write a coupon for one home-cooked, candlelit dinner.

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Shocking Reveal! While Awaiting Cease of Right-Wing Terrorist Threat, Congress Played “Spin the Bottle”

Off Leash News Room

Of what is sure to be but the first of 2021’s many crises, the attempted coup at the U.S. Capitol Building will inevitably go down as the most appalling. There is no doubt that the events on the sixth of January were the fruit of this nation’s ancient hypocrisy and indecency. However, there is also no doubt that said events paved the way for the most bountiful harvest of all: the realization of the long-germinating Congressional romance the American people have awaited.

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2020 Revealed To Be Elaborate Banksy Art Piece

In a shocking turn of events this past week, the London street artist Banksy came forward as the man behind nearly every major news story of 2020. In a recent Instagram post, Banksy had this to say for himself:

“I don’t keep my identity secret because I want it to be separate from my art. It is because I wish to cover up my crimes of treason, chemical and biological warfare.”

Banksy began to list out a series of shocking events that he played a part in.

“Iranian general Qasem Soleimani was killed on the orders of me because I ran out of things to make art about. Also I thought…

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Off Leash News Issue 5: Achieve Enlightenment for only $5 (Plus Shipping)

What if I told you that I could sell you a guide to inner peace for the low, low cost of $5 (plus shipping)? You’d probably laugh and tell me to fuck off, because you’re no fool, and you know a fraud when you see one. But what if I told you that, for only $5 (and a little extra for shipping), you could hold in your hands a physical copy of Off Leash Magazine’s newest issue?

That’s right, baby. Off Leash is back.

And this time, we’re coming at you with our boldest, most creative, most completely bonkers edition yet: The Conspiracy Issue.

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Dumbfuck Assholes Condemn Actions of Dumbfuck Political Assholes

Off Leash News Room

The identity of America was forever changed this week when a group of Trump ralliers turned violent mob stormed the capitol building, temporarily halting Congress from ratifying Mr.Biden’s election victory. This event was the culmination of a major rift that has been growing over the last 4 years throughout the nation’s largest demographic, Dumbfuck Assholes. It is no longer possible to ignore the new and dangerous subcategory within the demographic, who are officially known as Dumbfuck Political Assholes. Over the last 24 hours, the nation’s most prestigious Dumbfuck Assholes have spoken out, largely condemning the actions of this rogue political subgroup.

Lauretta Westly is known as the first internet creator to pour gallon containers of milk on herself at various grocery…

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Lazy Jack O’ Lantern Or Pumpkin Fucker? A Greek Row Mystery

Off Leash Newsroom

When I was asked by Off Leash News to write an investigative journal piece for Halloween, I was admittedly overwhelmed. Not only does UW have a severe lack of on-campus students right now, but finding a spooky topic that hasn’t been written about to death (pun intended) was going to be a challenge.

However, while I walked around Greek Row, pondering whether zombies had invaded the area or if it was just a normal day on the ave, I came across a peculiar anomaly. As a forensics major, I couldn’t pass up this opportunity to record it in my notes:

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No Admission? No Problem! UWPD Introduces New 3 Week Training Program for UW Rejects

Off Leash Newsroom

Are you a diehard husky fan who is still waiting to hear from the waitlist? Have you already been rejected from the rowing team and talked to your dad’s old frat brother who is on the admissions board? Well, you heard it from us first: 2020 might just be your year after all. Yesterday, President Ana Mari Cauce officially announced UW’s newest partnership—the UWPD Advanced Standing Selective Workforce Assignment Degree, commonly known as ASSWAD. This 21 day boot camp will give you and the other cadets everything you need to be a UWPD officer. Soon you’ll be on your way to making sure our community stays exactly how it is. Already gaining immense popularity, ASSWAD has received 650 applications following its feature on the UW Interfraternity Council’s Instagram story last night.

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Man Refuses To Wear Mask In Public, Also Robs Bank

Off Leash Newsroom

Defying the recent mask mandate, a man lacking any face covering whatsoever was sighted in the University District yesterday afternoon, where he was last seen entering a Bank of America. Police currently have one suspect in custody and are interviewing witnesses to determine the series of events leading up to the crime.

“He walked up to me and put a gun straight to my head,” said eyewitness Taylor Tyau. “I was terrified. I mean, there’s no way his arm length was over six feet. He was clearly invading my personal space and breaking social distancing guidelines.” She paused briefly to blow her nose, depositing the tissue into what appeared to be a personal incinerator installed in her purse. “Plus, there’s the contact factor. I mean seriously? Touching my face with his gun? Studies show that coronavirus can live on cold hard American steel for over 48 hours. Now I have to get tested for the fourth time today. Just shooting me would’ve been easier.”

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UW HFS Will Provide Testing to All Incoming Dorm Residents

Off Leash Newsroom

This Monday, UW Housing and Food Services announced that all incoming dorm residents will undergo mandatory tests of their breath-holding ability before moving into their rooms. Meant to determine whether a given student can successfully hold their breath for the length of a 6-minute elevator ride, these tests will be administered by trained medical professionals at pop-up locations around campus.

“We want to be sure that our residents are able to keep their pesky, possibly-disease-ridden breath to themselves for a solid amount of time,” said HFS officials in their prepared statement. “Many of these kids will be using the elevators (which, if you haven’t noticed, are confined spaces with very little air flow) multiple times per day. Therefore, it is of utmost importance that they learn to keep those stanky fumes locked in tight where they belong.”

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Breaking: UW Administration Announces New Graduation Requirements

Off Leash Newsroom

Dear Students,

It has been a while since many of you have set foot on campus, but rest assured, we are working hard to make your re-introduction to the university community as seamless as possible. That being said, we are also rather “excited” (in a tough-love sort of way) to announce a new set of graduation requirements. These requirements, which shall train you for the SHITE you may encounter on a daily basis, are designed to “build character,” “put you through the ringer,” and “inflict pain in new and unpredictable ways.” We understand that this may come as a shock to many, but please keep in mind that we only want what’s best for you.

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UWPD Receiving Non-Stop Phone Calls About Pigs In Station

Off Leash Newsroom

Tuesday this week, UWPD issued a statement requesting that 911 be used for emergency purposes only, after receiving a sudden influx of calls reporting ‘pigs’ occupying the police station.

“We are well aware of the strained relations between the public and the police at the moment,” said Chief of Police Abraham Miller. “UWPD is committed to serving our community and we support those speaking out against social injustice. However, we ask that callers voice their concerns through the non-emergency response number, or by contacting their local representatives. The 911 response line is for emergency calls only, and jokes about—” Miller was unable to finish his comment, however, as he was suddenly speared in the chest by a wild boar, which had apparently been hiding under his desk for the last several hours.

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