Opinion: You Should Feed the Rats
You should feed the rats. You should feed them Spicy Tofu Banh Mi from District Market Alder.
Read MoreCaleb “Big Dumper” Raleigh Offered Extended Contract for Huge Ass
Seattle sports fans have been happier than ever lately as the Mariners have been having a record breaking 2025 season. After winning the American League West Division Title, baseball fans everywhere have their eyes on the Mariners as they prepare to take on the Toronto Blue Jays – and not just for the love of the game.
Read MoreCure for Autism Leaves UW Engineering Department in Chaos
Last Monday, the tape worm roosting inside RFK Jr’s skull made a startling announcement. The cure for autism had been found: a reduced form of Vitamin B9, known as ‘Leucovorin’. While the actual evidence linking it to autism is sparing, it just so happens to be a favorite food of the tape worms which RFK Jr. is definitely not putting into public water systems.
Read MoreIncreasing Rates of Unique, Quirky, and Generally Esoteric Individuals Takes the UW by Storm
With a campus boasting over 50,000 students, professors, researchers, and fentanyl users, the University of Washington is easily one of the most diverse campuses in the United States. With this diversity comes a great deal of benefits, such as the free exchange of academic and social ideas on campus and the readily-available variety of skillsets that have been integral to our research and university development, but it also comes with drawbacks: namely, the ethnic food they serve at Center Table, white people claiming to be 4.6% French/8.5% Northern Italian/3.3% Irish/83.6% WASP, and the ever-increasing pandemic of individuality complexes sweeping across the wannabe liberal elites of Seattle: university students.
Read MoreTiger King Spotted in Red Square
Students at the University of Washington have reported an increase in sightings of the “Tiger King” on campus recently. Researchers from the Department of Criminal Zoology have speculated that the reason for the increase in appearances is due to the recent “False Spring” stretches of sunshine in Seattle, which brings out tiger prey such as mice and meerkats.
Read MoreUW Counseling Center Recommends Binge Drinking
Have you ever been unable to get out of bed in the morning due to the crushing weight of existence? Does nothing truly make you happy anymore? Do you crank it to Zootopia futanari at 3:00 A.M just to feel the briefest of dopamine releases? We’ve all been there before, but according to the UW Counselling Center, there may be a solution. Stop taking your antidepressants, stop going to therapy, and instead drink until your brain stops telling you to be sad.
Read MoreStudents Strip at Career Fair in Attempt to "Set Themselves Apart"
A new trend is developing at the University of Washington where students seeking jobs at internship and career fairs are stripping naked and running from booth to booth in the hopes that their act of nudity and public display will set them apart from other candidates.
Read MoreSeattle Faces Paper Shortage Amidst Cherry Blossom Tourist Swarm
With the cherry blossom trees on campus officially in bloom, the University of Washington has begun its busiest season for tourism. The unending sea of tourists poses many problems for both students and administrators, who struggle to attend classes and meetings on time with so many major pathways blocked.
Read MoreOpinion: Tyler Lockett is My Luka Doncic
Last week, news broke of the Seattle Seahawks releasing Tyler Lockett into free agency. Millions of tissue boxes were emptied in every Seattle household that day. It’s an issue for our eco-forward marketing as a city. More notably, though, we are losing an icon from the days of the Legion of Boom (trademarked) who still posts incredible statistics despite his…er, experienced age. Who else can pull together 7 touchdowns after having surgery for 12 pins in his hand? Who shall honorably and graciously carry the team in the locker room now? Who will balance out Metca—turns out we lost the right to type out his full name since his selfish ass decided to declare his will for the streets on the same day as Lockett’s announcement. Metca---, if you’re reading this, please come home. The kids miss you.
Read MoreYoung Entrepreneur at UW Finds Creative Way to Combat the Egg Crisis
The avian flu (or bird flu as it is more commonly known) has been rapidly spreading in the United States, causing a nationwide shortage of America’s favorite quick breakfast. Egg prices have been on the rise as a result, drying out the pockets of college students in the U-District. While many have given up on eggs, one young entrepreneur at the University of Washington had a different idea to combat the rising prices.
Read MoreCalifornia Wildfires to be Deported to the Bay Area
Following the most recent California wildfires to ravage major population centers throughout the state, the newly inaugurated Trump administration has made widespread commitments to put a stop to the inconceivable destruction. Having learned from the similarly terrible fires in 2020, Trump signed an executive order to deport the wildfires from California forcibly.
Read More“Thirst Traps” Combat Rising Sea Levels and Herpes
From Al Gore to Bill Nye, scientists have been concerned by rising sea levels for decades. Since 1880, ocean levels have risen by about nine inches due to melting ice caps in the North and South poles. This is a huge problem aside from rising sea levels, as frozen water is known to hold bacterias and diseases that humans have never been exposed to before.
Read MoreOpinion: Love Isn’t Real and It’s Your Job to Tell Everyone
Valentine’s day has come around another year, and you’re still single. It’s not your fault, though. You’ve done everything you can. You talked to that freshman who sits next to you in Psych 210, and she rejected you because “you’re thirty” and “still can’t point out the clitoris after two weeks of vaginal anatomy.” You asked your roommate if they have any single friends, but were met with a chorus of “get out,” “I’m mid stroke,” and “I thought I locked the door.” While he may have indeed locked the door, your need for love was stronger. Keyword: was.
Read MoreDEI-Hire Dubs to be Put Down After New Federal Mandate
President Trump’s new anti-DEI initiative aims to root out unqualified workers who were hired under DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) programs. For the University of Washington, no member of staff fits this description better than the school mascot, Bartholomew J. Dubs II, more commonly known by his alias ‘Dubs’.
Read MoreOpinion: It’s Not Your Landlord’s Fault Your Heater is Broken
With snowfall and cold temperatures hitting Seattle, it’s no surprise that students are upset. Between classes being canceled, not being canceled, busses rerouting, shit being eaten on Red Square, and drafty windows, the UW student body is grumblier than ever. And one demographic is bearing far more than their share of it: landlords.
Read MoreUW Corporate Partners Set to Expand Campus Presence
The University of Washington has reached an agreement with all four of its official strategic corporate partnerships: Alaska Airlines, BECU, PepsiCo, and Starbucks, that will allow the companies to expand their presence on campus. The official reason for the agreement is, quote, “money”.
Read MoreOpinion: Country Music’s Banner Year is a Rejection of the Modern World
Despite Billy Ray Cyrus’s best efforts on inauguration day, this year was a year of country music. As seen at this weekend’s Grammys, country music has taken over the mainstream. After taking note of the meteoric rise of neotraditional, big-chinned artists like Tyler Childers and Zach Bryan, everybody and their desperately-trying-to-pull-off-a-cowboy-hat mother has been hopping onto the country bandwagon. Post Malone, Yung Gravy, and many more random white men have embraced the power of forced Southern twang and a little bit of banjo. Even the queen mother Lana Del Rey claims to be cooking up a little Nashville-flavored something. The real question is, why have we, the profit-generating masses, gotten so into country music lately? Why are we so eager to stomp our boots and shake our denim-clad behinds to a genre that was a cultural laughing stock just 10 years ago? When you truly interrogate the state of our nation the reason is clear. Our western-tinted Spotify Wrappeds reflect a communal rejection of modernity.
Read MoreOpinion: Stop Complaining About the Cold
Why are you complaining? It’s been in the low 40s for one (1) week and you’re out here acting like you’re battling the elements with Ernest Shackleton. All the weather has done is merely dip its pinky toe just barely below freezing at 4 in the morning and we all know you’re not even out of bed until 11:21am. My Siberian grandmother is shoveling snow at 0 degrees Fahrenheit and you don’t even have puddles to worry about anymore. You’ve never experienced a thing in your life. You are just desperate to complain and the rest of us do not want to hear it.
Read MoreLooking for Love: Must be Early 20s with Domestication Fetish
At the age of 22, I have a favorite sponge brand. Sometimes, I sniff my bathroom cleaners to see if I’m feeling lemon-y fresh or plain bleach for the week. I salivate over the Dyson vacuums in Macy’s Home Store. I’ll say it: I have been thoroughly domesticated.
Read MoreTrump Condemns the Resistance in Draft of Inauguration Speech
Former President Donald Trump will become President Lord Commander Trump again on Monday when he is sworn into office for the second time. A leak of Trump’s inauguration address has been acquired by Off Leash News and reads as follows:
Read More