This morning, UW Police Chief Barry Beans announced a new initiative to curb crime on campus: plans to introduce an elite task force of crime stoppers inspired by the hit film and television franchise Paw Patrol. Chief Beans says the inspiration behind this team emerged after watching Paw Patrol: The Mighty Movie in 30 second increments on TikTok.
Read MoreThis September, social media was abuzz with news of the rapture: the event signaling the return of Jesus and the ascension of true believers into heaven. For most, September 23rd came and went without any trumpets, ascended souls, or bearded men on white horses. While many took this as a sign that the rapture, in fact, did not occur at the predestined date, this was a misconception. Off Leash writer Gary King, who died last Monday due to a razor blade in a Snickers bar, went to heaven and secured an exclusive interview with the only person to be raptured. This not only surprised Christians around the world, but Off Leash members who were sure he was at most ending up in purgatory.
Read MoreNestled between blankets on the Ave, a living, breathing, and occasionally ranting emblem of the modern job market can be found. Local homeless man “Poli-Sci Pete” is 47 years old, unemployed, alcoholic–and a graduate of the University of Washington's political science Ph.D program. Poli-Sci Pete, who quickly became a campus celebrity following his discovery, has not been met with enthusiasm by all members of the student body.
Read MoreLike many universities across the country, The University of Washington has used prison labor to construct its dorm room furniture for years. Historically the university has faced pushback for this, with critics referring to the practice as “legalized modern-day slavery,” “a prime example of the rot at the core of late stage capitalism,” and “bad.” Despite these objections, The University of Washington has shown no signs of stopping—in fact, recently leaked internal documents suggest that the UW plans to use prison labor in a variety of new and exciting ways.
Read MoreStudents at the University of Washington were surprised when they arrived on campus this Halloween and discovered that a towering black obelisk had appeared in the Quad seemingly overnight. While the obelisk was initially suspected to be some sort of extremely elaborate Halloween installation, confusion quickly turned to fear after a group of students touched the obelisk and were transmogrified into a variety of non-human entities, such as a swarm of bats, a bipedal fish creature, and a sad-seeming raincloud.
Read MoreAs of the beginning of the 2025 school year, Robert J. Jones officially took over as University President and finally replaced Ana Marie Cauce. This change was quite anticipated, as the University of Washington has announced and advertised and manifested Jones’ acceptance of the position for over a year now. Some students were concerned that she might’ve never let go of her cushy position and obscene mini-mansion, but those concerns have been put to rest following her live-streamed eviction, where the UWPD discovered her camping in Paccar hall after a student reported hearing “off-putting sneezing.” She has since been expelled from campus for good.
Read MoreYou should feed the rats. You should feed them Spicy Tofu Banh Mi from District Market Alder.
Read MoreSeattle sports fans have been happier than ever lately as the Mariners have been having a record breaking 2025 season. After winning the American League West Division Title, baseball fans everywhere have their eyes on the Mariners as they prepare to take on the Toronto Blue Jays – and not just for the love of the game.
Read MoreLast Monday, the tape worm roosting inside RFK Jr’s skull made a startling announcement. The cure for autism had been found: a reduced form of Vitamin B9, known as ‘Leucovorin’. While the actual evidence linking it to autism is sparing, it just so happens to be a favorite food of the tape worms which RFK Jr. is definitely not putting into public water systems.
Read MoreWith a campus boasting over 50,000 students, professors, researchers, and fentanyl users, the University of Washington is easily one of the most diverse campuses in the United States. With this diversity comes a great deal of benefits, such as the free exchange of academic and social ideas on campus and the readily-available variety of skillsets that have been integral to our research and university development, but it also comes with drawbacks: namely, the ethnic food they serve at Center Table, white people claiming to be 4.6% French/8.5% Northern Italian/3.3% Irish/83.6% WASP, and the ever-increasing pandemic of individuality complexes sweeping across the wannabe liberal elites of Seattle: university students.
Read MoreStudents at the University of Washington have reported an increase in sightings of the “Tiger King” on campus recently. Researchers from the Department of Criminal Zoology have speculated that the reason for the increase in appearances is due to the recent “False Spring” stretches of sunshine in Seattle, which brings out tiger prey such as mice and meerkats.
Read MoreHave you ever been unable to get out of bed in the morning due to the crushing weight of existence? Does nothing truly make you happy anymore? Do you crank it to Zootopia futanari at 3:00 A.M just to feel the briefest of dopamine releases? We’ve all been there before, but according to the UW Counselling Center, there may be a solution. Stop taking your antidepressants, stop going to therapy, and instead drink until your brain stops telling you to be sad.
Read MoreA new trend is developing at the University of Washington where students seeking jobs at internship and career fairs are stripping naked and running from booth to booth in the hopes that their act of nudity and public display will set them apart from other candidates.
Read MoreWith the cherry blossom trees on campus officially in bloom, the University of Washington has begun its busiest season for tourism. The unending sea of tourists poses many problems for both students and administrators, who struggle to attend classes and meetings on time with so many major pathways blocked.
Read MoreLast week, news broke of the Seattle Seahawks releasing Tyler Lockett into free agency. Millions of tissue boxes were emptied in every Seattle household that day. It’s an issue for our eco-forward marketing as a city. More notably, though, we are losing an icon from the days of the Legion of Boom (trademarked) who still posts incredible statistics despite his…er, experienced age. Who else can pull together 7 touchdowns after having surgery for 12 pins in his hand? Who shall honorably and graciously carry the team in the locker room now? Who will balance out Metca—turns out we lost the right to type out his full name since his selfish ass decided to declare his will for the streets on the same day as Lockett’s announcement. Metca---, if you’re reading this, please come home. The kids miss you.
Read MoreThe avian flu (or bird flu as it is more commonly known) has been rapidly spreading in the United States, causing a nationwide shortage of America’s favorite quick breakfast. Egg prices have been on the rise as a result, drying out the pockets of college students in the U-District. While many have given up on eggs, one young entrepreneur at the University of Washington had a different idea to combat the rising prices.
Read MoreFollowing the most recent California wildfires to ravage major population centers throughout the state, the newly inaugurated Trump administration has made widespread commitments to put a stop to the inconceivable destruction. Having learned from the similarly terrible fires in 2020, Trump signed an executive order to deport the wildfires from California forcibly.
Read MoreFrom Al Gore to Bill Nye, scientists have been concerned by rising sea levels for decades. Since 1880, ocean levels have risen by about nine inches due to melting ice caps in the North and South poles. This is a huge problem aside from rising sea levels, as frozen water is known to hold bacterias and diseases that humans have never been exposed to before.
Read MoreValentine’s day has come around another year, and you’re still single. It’s not your fault, though. You’ve done everything you can. You talked to that freshman who sits next to you in Psych 210, and she rejected you because “you’re thirty” and “still can’t point out the clitoris after two weeks of vaginal anatomy.” You asked your roommate if they have any single friends, but were met with a chorus of “get out,” “I’m mid stroke,” and “I thought I locked the door.” While he may have indeed locked the door, your need for love was stronger. Keyword: was.
Read MorePresident Trump’s new anti-DEI initiative aims to root out unqualified workers who were hired under DEI (Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) programs. For the University of Washington, no member of staff fits this description better than the school mascot, Bartholomew J. Dubs II, more commonly known by his alias ‘Dubs’.
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